Overwhelmed. Undertrained. And ready to get to the finish line with a little help.

I think faith is incredibly important because you will become overwhelmed with what's happening and you will have waves of grief, but when you turn to your faith, I believe God will give you waves of grace to get through it. -- Joel Osteen

It is 10 days until IM Maryland and I am feeling appropriately freaked out.  I know I am undertrained due to mishaps and occasional mental funks.  I know I am overwhelmed, but that's pretty much a normal state of mind for anyone going into an Ironman.  This year it feels more like a burden than last year, when the overwhelm was mingled with excitement.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but it's a different type of excitement.  An oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-throw-up kind of excitement, not a jump-up-and-down-in-a-giddy-manner type of excitement.

It's going to be OK.  I'm going to enjoy the day.  I'm going to look only as far as the minute and mile in front of me and ignore the big number of miles that lay ahead.  I'm going to smile.  I'm going to make friends.  I'm going to finish before midnight.  And it will all be OK.

I'm not usually very religious on my blog (or in person); I keep my faith and feelings under wraps.  Yeah, I know - you're not supposed to put your light under a bushel and all that, but I gotta say - right now, I am relying on my training -- as it has been -- and on God to get me through this.  It will take everything I have and more to finish this...and the more has to come from somewhere.  I am certain He will give me the power to dig deep and the grace to get through.

I probably won't say much until after the Ironman.  I'm not much for talking right now.  But I look forward to posting in early October with a medal around my neck, a finisher jacket on my body, and a tattoo on my leg.  Because I can do all things, with God who gives me strength...I don't have to be...strong enough.

The 5 Stages of IM

The five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- are a part of the framework...They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.  -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross  (with apologies for my edits that completely change her point)

It's not denial.  I'm just selective about the reality I accept. -- Bill Watterson

IM Maryland is coming.  Whether I'm ready or not.  And that fact alone brings on all sorts of feelings...denial (no way, I have plenty of time), anger (get away from me, I'm so freakin' irritated), bargaining (just let me get through this workout and I'll feel a little better), depression (there's no way I'm going to make it), and acceptance (it is coming, it will happen, I will be OK).

In so many ways, I feel a lot less ready than I felt for IM Louisville last year.  On the other hand, I've had some much better workouts than I had last year -- more long bikes, etc.  I should feel better, but I actually feel a lot more nervous than last year.  Maybe because this year has been pretty miserable -- starting with the DNF at Louisville, then the hypothermia incident in March, and as recently as dropping a drawer on my foot in August...there have been so many random things that have made me question my ability.  On the other hand, and on certain days, I know I can do it.  I can.  It's just really hard to select those days over the dark days where I feel that I can't.

Part of this inability to make the positive choice could be because I'm. SO. Flippin.  Tired.  But that's good - I should be happy because being tired means my training is coming together.  I get to rest when I taper.  But I think more so that my inability to make the positive choice about my success all the time is something deeper and darker...and I only have a few weeks to get over the darkness and be ready to make the positive choice on race day.  Because it will be a battle of mind over body, and I want my mind to win.