I'm Alive Awake Alert Enthusiastic in the Morning...

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -- Winston Churchill

Enthusiasm is the yeast that rises the dough. -- Paul J. Meyer

So the strangest thing happened yesterday.

I was looking at Training Peaks and saw the my coach hadn't filled in the week beyond Monday.  That isn't what was strange - I mean it was, because she usually fills it out on Sunday for me, but it was no big deal, because I already knew what I was doing on Monday.  Monday = Masters.  As it always is.

But because I'm a bit of a nag and I like to see the week so I can "plan" for it...which largely means negotiate logistics of training with Iron Sherpa and figure out how to fit things around work and carpools for the Iron Kids activities...I emailed her to see what was up.

And here's where it got weird.  After joking that I never needed to train again (the horror!), she filled in the week with hard workouts.  And I was excited!  Enthusiastic!  Looking forward -- in all seriousness -- to busting my butt this week in training.  That's just...weird, right?

I think it has been a while...or maybe too long is the right length...since I really felt this way, and I think it bodes well for my season - so long as I can keep it up.  And I think I can.  I have some good races on my docket, I like my new coach.  I got Garmin to replace my HRM so I can actually train properly by heart rate.  And it's finally spring.  Let's go!

You're wondering about the blog post title, aren't you?  Well, anytime I think of the word "enthusiastic," I remember this old song from Girl Scout Camp.  We actually ended each line with "in the morning" but I think the point is pretty much the same. I'm alive awake alert and ENTHUSIASTIC about training.  Rock on!

RACE REPORT: Tobacco Road Marathon

Whenever you have taken up work in hand, you must see it to the finish.  That is the ultimate secret of success.  Never, never, never give up!  -- Dada Vaswani

Defeat doesn't finish a man, quit does.  A man is not finished when he's defeated.  He's finished when he quits. -- Richard Nixon

Yesterday I won at Tobacco Road.  No, I didn't come in first.  I didn't place in my age group.  In fact, I was nearly DFL.  But after a year of DNF and being hesitant to even start most of the time, the fact that I finished 26.2 (or 26.3, according to my Garmin) is a total win.

It was hard.  I wanted to quit a couple times.  I wasn't sure I'd finish towards the end, but I just kept chugging along.  And I saw it to the finish.  No defeat.  No quit.  Maybe I shouldn't have done the race, but once I started it, I think the fact that I finished is the boost that I need to start the tri season.  And for that I am happy.

I also got a big flippin' medal...so I am happy about that too.  This girl likes her bling.

Anyway, the first half of the marathon actually went really well.  I was supposed to stay in low Z1 with my heart rate, but my Garmin was being stupid, so I switched over to a 3:1 run:walk to try to stay in a decent HR space.  With that, I was able to stay within sight of the 6:00 pace group to mile 13.  Yeah me!  Much better than I expected.  Ate gus and gu chomps, drank water and gatorade, and generally felt really good.

The second half marathon was a different story.  I tried to keep going the same, but I was starting to feel it.  And then I lost the 6:00 group.  So I switched to 2:1.  And then I just had to walk with running when I could.  Everything hurt.  I wanted to quit.  And then I just walked...walked...waddled...plodded...well, you get the picture.  It poured rain for 3 miles.  But I kept going.  And I finished.  I was happy, because I broke the 7:00 time barrier.  I wish I could have done better, but I need to remember that this was a win.  It was win because it was a finish, even when I didn't want to.  I kept moving forward and that's the key.  

The Joy of Can't

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.  Friedrich Nietzsche

So often we hear that seeking success means avoiding the word "can't."  It's a bad word.  It holds us back.  It isn't that we "can't" do something - it's that we haven't yet.  But I've realized this week, there can be joy in saying can't...if you're saying it not to give up, but to get to the starting line.

First example...I am drowning at work.  Too much work, too many deadlines (most already past), too many things I should have done yesterday.  I was rushing this week to get something done, but finally realized yesterday that I can't.  I can't get this one particular thing done, no matter how hard I work at it.  And so I dropped it - for now.  I'll pick it back up after I clear my plate from the million things...the remarkable thing is the joy I felt as soon as I acknowledged I can't finish this one project.  I can't.  But by putting it aside, I have the time and space to clear off some of the other projects, giving me a chance to reach the start line again with this project and have a better chance to complete it.

Second example...training.  Heart rate training has been hard for me.  I can't run fast and be in the HR zone I'm supposed to be in.  I can't run far, I can't run fast, and I'm running a marathon on Sunday.  And all in all, that would typically stress me out.  I've had to change my perspective; running fast right now is like flying; I'm not ready to fly.  I can't fly yet.  I need to remember I'm still at the starting line.  By acknowledging that the marathon will be what it will be, that I will focus on staying in low HR zones, going slow, and making the day about a long, steady effort, I've actually found a little peace from the stress - a little joy.

So maybe "can't" isn't all that bad, so long as it gets you to the start line again.

Where did you go?

I took a little break -- I was coming back to work and the last thing I was going to do was take a step backwards, so I knew that if I was going to take a feature it was going to have to be taking a step forward. -- Nia Long

Spend time reflecting on your emotional and physical existence and how that applies to the voice.  You have to apply that wisdom and experience when you sing -- it's what comes through. -- K.D. Lang

I took a break from blogging.  You may have noticed.  I've been gone for almost two months, but I was gone long before that.  I needed to take a little break to make sure that I was moving forward, because it felt like last year was just a series of steps backwards.  And I was tired of taking steps backward.  Even more so, I was tired of talking about taking steps backwards.  So I decided to wait until I felt like was moving forward to come back

Even though right now I haven't made it back to where I want to be, where I should be, where I can be...I feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm moving forward.  It's hard to explain, when the forward motion is happening at a snail's pace.  No one can see the forward progress...even I have a hard time seeing it.  Occasionally I'll post a workout to my coach and she'll be like "wow - you are doing better" and I will be surprised.  I hadn't noticed.  It still felt like I was sliding backwards.  So I guess one good thing (and there are others) about having a coach right now is that she can objectively look at where I am and where I'm going and see progress.  Even where I can't.

Another thing that time away and slow progress have taught me is that my voice right now is different than it used to be.  I spend too much time comparing myself to others -- not just in running and triathlon, but also in work, in parenting, in life.  Other people are doing it so much better.  But their voices are not my voice; I haven't been listening to my experiences when I look around.  My experiences are different -- not unique, I'm sure, but different.  And so when I look around, I need to apply my experience to what is around me.  I'm not the same as I was, but I'm working hard.  I'm not as fast as I was, but I'm getting faster than I have been most recently.  I'm not as good as I could be, but I'm getting better than I was yesterday.  This is the voice I need to hear -- this is the message I need to listen to.

For a little while, I've figured that to hear this voice, I needed to be quiet.  To not talk about what was in my head.  To not blog.  But I feel that it's time to put my experience back to voice and sing...well, not sing, because I have a terrible voice in that respect, but to blog.  To write about what it's like to live my experience...not that it's some deep meaningful thing that will change anyone else's life, but because by sharing it, I can change my own life.  Before, blogging has made me thoughtful, made me brave, made me strong.  Then, blogging made me embarrassed, made me sad.  It's time to be thoughtful, brave, and strong again.  That's my voice.  And that's the way forward.