The five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- are a part of the framework...They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (with apologies for my edits that completely change her point)
It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept. -- Bill Watterson
IM Maryland is coming. Whether I'm ready or not. And that fact alone brings on all sorts of feelings...denial (no way, I have plenty of time), anger (get away from me, I'm so freakin' irritated), bargaining (just let me get through this workout and I'll feel a little better), depression (there's no way I'm going to make it), and acceptance (it is coming, it will happen, I will be OK).
In so many ways, I feel a lot less ready than I felt for IM Louisville last year. On the other hand, I've had some much better workouts than I had last year -- more long bikes, etc. I should feel better, but I actually feel a lot more nervous than last year. Maybe because this year has been pretty miserable -- starting with the DNF at Louisville, then the hypothermia incident in March, and as recently as dropping a drawer on my foot in August...there have been so many random things that have made me question my ability. On the other hand, and on certain days, I know I can do it. I can. It's just really hard to select those days over the dark days where I feel that I can't.
Part of this inability to make the positive choice could be because I'm. SO. Flippin. Tired. But that's good - I should be happy because being tired means my training is coming together. I get to rest when I taper. But I think more so that my inability to make the positive choice about my success all the time is something deeper and darker...and I only have a few weeks to get over the darkness and be ready to make the positive choice on race day. Because it will be a battle of mind over body, and I want my mind to win.
No comments:
Post a Comment