Denial - It's Not Just a River...

The greatest barrier to someone achieving their potential is their denial of it. -- Simon Travaglia

So.  IMLOU is just over a week away.  And I'm in denial.  Well, no - like Calvin, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.  Because if I focus on the reality of 8 days, I'll probably lose my ever-loving mind.

The past two years when I've been this close to IM, I've had my bags laid out and labeled, I've been partially packed, I've been following the weather like a madwoman...but this year, I'm kind of like, whatevs.  I'll get to it.  And I will - totally.  Probably even this weekend, but I gotta get my mind straight first.

I've been thinking about my training - as everyone says, at this point you gotta trust your training, so of course I've been thinking about my training.  And I've come to some conclusions about my training.  I think one good way to think about my training is to acknowledge the obstacles I've overcome in my training this year and use those to get me through.

Swimming:  I've definitely had some obstacles with swimming this year - the open water was too cold and then too hot; my wetsuit shrunk over the winter (blush!); my left arm is stupid and I have a terrible pull; and well, I don't have gills.  Or fins.  But I've overcome a lot of those obstacles, or at least managed to bypass them.

I'm not nearly afraid of OWS as I have been in the past - I just get in and get 'er done...so that's good.  I bought a new wetsuit that fits me just fine - and I even tested it out a couple weeks ago, so I remember how much I love it (and how much I need to lube my neck or end up with a wetsuit hickey!).  I took swim lessons and my stroke is better - it needs more work, but it's so much better than it ever was.  I haven't grown gills or fins, but otherwise, I made some real progress swimming this year.

Biking:  The obstacles are many - too hot, too humid, too rainy, and too many people getting killed on bikes.  All of these things mean that I had to resort to riding my trainer a lot more this year, which I have viewed as an obstacle in itself.  And sure, it is partially an obstacle.  But I've also realized that the time I've spent on my trainer has made me a better biker.  I used to be a serious coaster.  No really - I would pedal a few strokes and then coast and then pedal a few strokes and then coast.  If you ever look at a good biker, that is NOT how they ride.  But since you can't coast on the trainer, it has become much more natural to me now to keep pedalling.  Sure, I still coast when I'm tired or whatever (outside), but I get back to pedalling a lot quicker.  That means I should be a stronger biker overall and that's good.

Running:  My running has been slow - it maybe because my wetsuit shrank...or something like that.  And of course, it has been 900 degrees, and occasionally 9000 degrees outside.  My coach denies these numbers and believes I may have a problem with place value and zeros...but seriously, this has been quite a summer.  But even when it's been hot, I've gotten out there and put one foot in front of the other.  Even if it's slow, it's forward...and that's a good thing to keep in mind too.

So maybe I'll get around to making my bags and packing lists this weekend, but in any case, I've got a lot of good things to remember next weekend.  No letting denial stand in the way of my potential!

The Hay is in the Barn, or is it?

You have to rely on your preparation.  You got to really be passionate and try to prepare more than anyone else, and put yourself in a position to succeed, and when the moment comes you got to enjoy, relax, breathe and rely on your preparation so that you can perform and not be anxious or filled with doubt. -- Steve Nash

The most common phrase around the Ironman Louisville Facebook boards now is "the hay is in the barn."  The work is done.  The training has been banked.  Nothing you can do now will make up for the missed ride or the crappy run.  What you put in the barn is what you will have for race day.  It's time to relax.

But I don't think my work is all the way done yet.  I know the training is done - well, sure, there are still swims...and bikes... and runs...and core work (c'mon Coach - core work!  please stop!) on my training calendar.  But the long training sessions are a thing of the past.  The key to training now is to get me from now to race day feeling energized and ready.  

The work I have to do, though, is mental.  I need to be ready to rely on my training, trust my coaching, and be ready to enjoy the moment.  And I'll have to admit, that doesn't come easily to me.  I love to obsess about things up until the last moment...I'm the girl who cram studies until the test starts and edits papers until they're due...but that sort of attitude isn't going to serve me well here.  I need to do the training my coach gave me, but also trust in the training I've done.  I can't go into race day anxious or filled with doubt.  Getting comfortable with my mindset and getting ready to enjoy the day - that's the work I have cut out for me for the next week or so - so I can enjoy and experience race day.

Changes in Attitudes

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.  -- Khalil Gibran

I sometimes have an attitude problem.  We all do, right?  (If I'm wrong, don't tell me - I take comfort in the fact I'm not the only one.)  Anyway, I think I'm making some progress in the attitude department...

Before I started doing triathlons, my attitude was I can't.  I can't swim, I can't bike.  I'm not fast.  I'm going to be last.  I shouldn't even try.  But then I learned to swim.  I got a bike.  I still wasn't fast.  I was sometimes last.  But I tried.  And it was OK.

Then I got pretty good at being OK.  I wasn't fast, but I kept chugging.  My attitude was I got this, let's get better.  That was a pretty awesome attitude, but there was an underlying current that I didn't truly understand until I hit the next phase of my triathlon life...the DNF.

The dreaded DNF.  The stress fracture at IMLOU two years ago.  The hypothermia at DC Rock&Roll.  All of a sudden, the fear of not being able to finish was greater than my belief that I was OK.  That I could keep chugging.  That I got this.  The fear of failing overtook all else.  And I've kind of been living there for a while.  The worst part of it...the fear was starting to morph into "I can't" again.

This all got to me this past week.  I am sick.  Being sick is interfering with my training.  FOR PEAK WEEK.  OMG.  This was supposed to be the week that I proved to myself I could do IMLOU.  And on top of being sick, the athlete guide is published and instead of having 16.5 hours (which is what I expected) or 17 hours (which was the max for IMs, but I knew that IMLOU in October was different)...now, all of a sudden, I was told this week that if I took more than 16 hours to finish - DNF.  Even if the course was still open.  Even if I walked away with a medal, I would not be an official IM finisher if I took too long.

Between not training because of illness and hearing that I now had 30 minutes less (and that's a lot of time when you're already considering how slow you are and panicking)...I started to feel the "I can't" attitude starting to take over.  And at this point, 3 weeks out from the race, there's not a damn thing I can do.  I can't train 24/7 until the race to make up for my deficiencies.  I can't all of a sudden get thinner, faster, stronger.  Nothing is going to change between now and race day.

Nothing.  Except my attitude.  Yesterday I was texting my coach and I think that my attitude is finally in the right place.  Illness.  Shortened course time.  Whatever.  I think I have the attitude that will serve me the best on race day.

I am going out on October 9 and I'm going to race my best.  I'm going to just keep swimming, just keep biking, and just keep running until they tell me I can't anymore or until I cross the finish line.  And as I keep swimming, keep biking, and keep running, I'm going to remember that I can and that no matter the outcome, there is good to come out of this.

Because no matter whether I get pulled off the course for missing a time cutoff (an unlikely event, but it's good to have an attitude plan in case), then my coach and I will have some great information about what I need to work on for next year.

And if I finish the race but am an official DNF because I take longer than 16 hours (a possibly likely scenario), then my coach and I will have some great information about what I need to work on for next year.

And if I finish the race and I'm under 16 hours (a possible scenario that my coach is counting on and that I'm going to strive to achieve), then I'm getting the IM tattoo that I've been dreaming about for years and my coach and I will have some great information about what I need to work on for next year.

No matter what the outcome, there is no reason to be devastated.  A DNF is not the end of the world - it's a starting point for next year.  And an official finish?  That's the end goal, because I won't get the tattoo otherwise...and I want one, really really bad.  But that's just one piece of the equation, not the only piece.

No matter what, I will have a good baseline and a place to improve from for next year.

And that's an attitude that I can live (and succeed) with.

Where'd You Go, Bernadette?

I was missing out on a lot of things that my friends were doing, but in another way, they were missing things I was doing.  It was kind of a trade-off I had to make. -- Victoria Azarenka

Today is the only day.  Yesterday is gone.  -- John Wooden

I've been missing in action recently.  You may or may not have noticed.  I wish I had a good excuse.  Well, I probably do have a good excuse.  I'm drowning.  (Not literally...please.)  I seem to have forgotten just how hard the peak training for Ironman is and I just can't keep up with life.  Or blogging.  Or blogging about my life.  Whatever.

Stuff has happened since I was here last.  I ran a half marathon in 100 degree heat.  It sucked.  I've actually done lots of training in 100 degree heat.  It has all sucked.  To avoid the heat, I've done way too many trainer rides.  Those suck too.  I took a private swim lesson and fixed my stroke a bit.  That doesn't suck.

In addition to training, life has been busy too.  My kids started middle school and high school, so of course I needed to be orientated.  And my job started back up too.  And with the start of school comes the start of their sports activities - which is awesome and so good for them but requires a lot of creativity on the part of IronSherpa and he's in peak training too.

So what's next?  I'm 4 weeks out from IM Louisville.  Just under a month.  I'm starting to panic a little, but I also know that I'm working hard and that freaking out is part of the training.  I know (at least I hope) that it won't be 100 degrees, so it should be much more doable than it was at Rev3 in July or at the half marathon in August.  Hot weather training is supposed to be good for me - I read that somewhere I think.  Even if it's not, I'm going to maintain the delusion because it's the only thing that gets me out training in this miserable weather.

Oh, hey - are you wondering about the title?  Where'd You Go, Bernadette? is an interesting book about a woman who goes missing when life gets too hard.  Hahahaha.  I'll just leave that there.