I sometimes have an attitude problem. We all do, right? (If I'm wrong, don't tell me - I take comfort in the fact I'm not the only one.) Anyway, I think I'm making some progress in the attitude department...
Before I started doing triathlons, my attitude was I can't. I can't swim, I can't bike. I'm not fast. I'm going to be last. I shouldn't even try. But then I learned to swim. I got a bike. I still wasn't fast. I was sometimes last. But I tried. And it was OK.
Then I got pretty good at being OK. I wasn't fast, but I kept chugging. My attitude was I got this, let's get better. That was a pretty awesome attitude, but there was an underlying current that I didn't truly understand until I hit the next phase of my triathlon life...the DNF.
The dreaded DNF. The stress fracture at IMLOU two years ago. The hypothermia at DC Rock&Roll. All of a sudden, the fear of not being able to finish was greater than my belief that I was OK. That I could keep chugging. That I got this. The fear of failing overtook all else. And I've kind of been living there for a while. The worst part of it...the fear was starting to morph into "I can't" again.
This all got to me this past week. I am sick. Being sick is interfering with my training. FOR PEAK WEEK. OMG. This was supposed to be the week that I proved to myself I could do IMLOU. And on top of being sick, the athlete guide is published and instead of having 16.5 hours (which is what I expected) or 17 hours (which was the max for IMs, but I knew that IMLOU in October was different)...now, all of a sudden, I was told this week that if I took more than 16 hours to finish - DNF. Even if the course was still open. Even if I walked away with a medal, I would not be an official IM finisher if I took too long.
Between not training because of illness and hearing that I now had 30 minutes less (and that's a lot of time when you're already considering how slow you are and panicking)...I started to feel the "I can't" attitude starting to take over. And at this point, 3 weeks out from the race, there's not a damn thing I can do. I can't train 24/7 until the race to make up for my deficiencies. I can't all of a sudden get thinner, faster, stronger. Nothing is going to change between now and race day.
Nothing. Except my attitude. Yesterday I was texting my coach and I think that my attitude is finally in the right place. Illness. Shortened course time. Whatever. I think I have the attitude that will serve me the best on race day.
I am going out on October 9 and I'm going to race my best. I'm going to just keep swimming, just keep biking, and just keep running until they tell me I can't anymore or until I cross the finish line. And as I keep swimming, keep biking, and keep running, I'm going to remember that I can and that no matter the outcome, there is good to come out of this.
Because no matter whether I get pulled off the course for missing a time cutoff (an unlikely event, but it's good to have an attitude plan in case), then my coach and I will have some great information about what I need to work on for next year.
And if I finish the race but am an official DNF because I take longer than 16 hours (a possibly likely scenario), then my coach and I will have some great information about what I need to work on for next year.
And if I finish the race and I'm under 16 hours (a possible scenario that my coach is counting on and that I'm going to strive to achieve), then I'm getting the IM tattoo that I've been dreaming about for years and my coach and I will have some great information about what I need to work on for next year.
No matter what the outcome, there is no reason to be devastated. A DNF is not the end of the world - it's a starting point for next year. And an official finish? That's the end goal, because I won't get the tattoo otherwise...and I want one, really really bad. But that's just one piece of the equation, not the only piece.
No matter what, I will have a good baseline and a place to improve from for next year.
And that's an attitude that I can live (and succeed) with.
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