Body Image

I used to refer to myself as a 'theoretical anorexic,' just as crazy when it came to body image, but saved by a lack of self-discipline.  My daughters do everything better than I do -- they're smarter, more beautiful, happier.  What if they end up better at anorexia, too? -- Ayelet Waldman

So this isn't one of those feel-good posts.  It's something that has been weighing heavily on me for a while.  (No pun intended.)  I am having a hard time with my body image.  Four years ago, I weighed 5-10 pounds less than I do today.  Two years ago, I weighed 45 pounds more than I do today.  A weight swing of 50+ pounds in that short of time is enough to screw up anyone's body image (even more than it may have been already).  But it's silly, isn't it?  My body is strong.  It has accomplished amazing things.  I should look at myself in the mirror and be proud.  I should see the waist I didn't have a year ago, and the new arm muscles that I talked about a few posts back, and the strong legs that got me so far.  Yet the pictures from my triathlon make me cringe...not beam.

Nike ran a series of ads a few years ago trying to address the disconnect between what people see and how awesome athletic bodies are.  Here's one of my favorite ads...I have thunder thighs.  And that's a compliment because they are strong and toned and muscular and although they are unwelcome in the petite section, they are cheered on in marathons.

I'd like to be able to look at myself and feel that way; look at my triathlon pictures and not focus on how lumpy I look in a tri-suit; look at the pictures of me afterwards with my medal and notice more than the excess flab that is not contained.  My body is strong.  My body is muscular.  My body is healthy.  It's my body image that isn't so healthy.

But there is a flip-side...it is a well known fact that losing a little weight will help drop a few minutes on the bike and run.  I'm not slim - I have a few pounds to lose and it would be awesome to be faster.  There's got to be a balance between wanting to drop those pounds and not hating what I see in the mirror.  How does that work?

And most importantly, how do I fix this body image thing AND drop those pounds AND keep my daughters from developing their own body image issues?  They are currently young and athletic -- they can eat what they want (and I wonder sometimes if they are even eating enough...not because they are restricting themselves, but because they are wonderful little balls of energy).  How do I keep them believing that their bodies, just the way they are, are strong, muscular, and healthy?