Body Image

I used to refer to myself as a 'theoretical anorexic,' just as crazy when it came to body image, but saved by a lack of self-discipline.  My daughters do everything better than I do -- they're smarter, more beautiful, happier.  What if they end up better at anorexia, too? -- Ayelet Waldman

So this isn't one of those feel-good posts.  It's something that has been weighing heavily on me for a while.  (No pun intended.)  I am having a hard time with my body image.  Four years ago, I weighed 5-10 pounds less than I do today.  Two years ago, I weighed 45 pounds more than I do today.  A weight swing of 50+ pounds in that short of time is enough to screw up anyone's body image (even more than it may have been already).  But it's silly, isn't it?  My body is strong.  It has accomplished amazing things.  I should look at myself in the mirror and be proud.  I should see the waist I didn't have a year ago, and the new arm muscles that I talked about a few posts back, and the strong legs that got me so far.  Yet the pictures from my triathlon make me cringe...not beam.

Nike ran a series of ads a few years ago trying to address the disconnect between what people see and how awesome athletic bodies are.  Here's one of my favorite ads...I have thunder thighs.  And that's a compliment because they are strong and toned and muscular and although they are unwelcome in the petite section, they are cheered on in marathons.

I'd like to be able to look at myself and feel that way; look at my triathlon pictures and not focus on how lumpy I look in a tri-suit; look at the pictures of me afterwards with my medal and notice more than the excess flab that is not contained.  My body is strong.  My body is muscular.  My body is healthy.  It's my body image that isn't so healthy.

But there is a flip-side...it is a well known fact that losing a little weight will help drop a few minutes on the bike and run.  I'm not slim - I have a few pounds to lose and it would be awesome to be faster.  There's got to be a balance between wanting to drop those pounds and not hating what I see in the mirror.  How does that work?

And most importantly, how do I fix this body image thing AND drop those pounds AND keep my daughters from developing their own body image issues?  They are currently young and athletic -- they can eat what they want (and I wonder sometimes if they are even eating enough...not because they are restricting themselves, but because they are wonderful little balls of energy).  How do I keep them believing that their bodies, just the way they are, are strong, muscular, and healthy?

Listen to Your Body. It's Smarter than You Are.

Be good to yourself.  Listen to your body, to your heart.  We're very hard on ourselves, and we're always feeling like we're not doing enough.  It's a terribly hard job. -- Marcia Wallace

It's been an interesting post-race week.  Maybe not interesting - totally normal, in fact.  But interesting in how my body is talking to me.  When I went to Masters for a little swim on Monday, I was on top of the world.  I led my lane, I felt great, and I forced myself to get out of the pool after about 30 minutes because I was just trying to loosen up.  I thought about getting up and going for a run on Tuesday morning, but my legs were sore, so I slept in.  Wednesday morning, I went to early Masters and thought I was going to die - but then Wednesday evening I did a short run on the treadmill that felt awesome.  On Thursday I did a short trail run, and that too felt awesome.  Friday I took off on purpose, because I was planning on doing the century ride on Saturday.

Now, OK - maybe it seems stupid to schedule a century ride, Heart of Virginia, one week after my first HIM, but it wasn't a race.  It was just to go for a supported ride, enjoy the scenery, and spend some time on Baby.  (Freyja is getting her end-of-season tune up and cleaning.)  I went to the ride and it sucked.  It was way too hilly, way too windy, and because of those things, way too soon after my HIM.  I bailed out and only did 63 miles.  That's actually kind of funny, isn't it - ONLY 63 miles.  :)  I was struggling with the hills and I decided, after listening to my body, to cut it short.  The century isn't an A-race or a B-race or even a race.  It was just supposed to be a fun training session and it simply wasn't fun.  Some of it was definitely on me, but I also was less than impressed with the ride organizers.  The course markings were not super, the rest areas were not ready at the right time and inadequately supplied and staffed, and the course design was stupid.  Plus the t-shirt is ugly and cheap looking.  I had done the metric century version of this ride a few years ago, and I thought it was fine.  But I got a decent shirt that year, the course was in a different place, and it was my first organized ride, so I may not have known any better.  Anyway, since I was disappointed in the ride and my legs were yelling at me, I listened.  I need to keep the next big event in focus - the Crawling Crab 1/2 Mary in October.

On a less whiny note - I joined the club...I am a proud owner of a 70.3 sticker on my car.

OK, so maybe it's a little obnoxious - but I'm proud of myself and I want everyone to know it.  (I also ordered a 70.3 necklace, but I didn't like it and am sending it back for a different one.)

So, what's next?

When I'm inspired, I get excited because I can't wait to see what I'll come up with next. -- Dolly Parton

"Are you going to keep writing your blog?" my husband asked.  Of course I am - because I have plenty of other crazy things I want to do.  I'm on such a high right now after finishing the half that I can't wait to see what I come up with next!  In fact, the day after finishing the half, I signed up for a marathon next spring.  It'll be my 2nd full marathon, and I have high hopes that it will go better than the first one, where I hurt my knee towards the end of training and kind of hobbled my way through the race.  And then I'm thinking I probably want to do two HIMs next year, one early season and one late.  And...well, the possibilities are endless!

This fall is already going to be active - I'm doing a century ride this coming weekend.  Not a race, but a nice long supported ride for fun.  I plan on simply enjoying the scenery (and burning a kajillion calories that I will refill with all of the goodies they feed you out on the route).  Then at the end of this month, I'm doing another mile-swim race.  My goal is to beat my time from August.  And then I have two half-marathons to round out the year, one in October and one in November.  My PR for the half-mary is 2:05, but I haven't seen that number in a long time...since I hurt my knee.  I've been running a slow 2:45 the last few I've run, but since I was able to pull out a 2:42 after a long day of swimming and biking at the HIM, I'm shooting for a sub-2:30 by the end of the year.  (And after that...sometime working my way back to the low-2's again...but let's not be hasty!)  Yep - I'm putting goals out there.  Time goals even.  Crazy!  I'm inspired right now - and who knows what I'll come up with next.

I did it! I am a Half Iron Man!

I attempt an arduous task; but there is no worth in that which is not a difficult achievement.  -- Ovid

7 hours, 21 minutes, and 37 seconds.  Plus a bit of a sunburn and a nasty cut on my toe.  That's what it took for me to become a Half Iron Man.  The sunburn will fade.  The cut will (hopefully) heal quickly.  But the sense of accomplishment and pride is probably never going to fade.

Here I am with my finisher's medal and one of my biggest small fans.  Yes, it looks like I am crying - crying happy tears and just so grateful that I was able to do this.  Plus my husband had just told me how proud he was of me, and it kind of set me off a little.  This was a long journey for all of us - but it was totally worth it and I succeeded.

So I guess, as is customary, a bit of a race report is in order.  It may be a bit long, but I figure a 7+ hour race after a 7 month journey deserves as much.

Friday:
On Friday night I went down to pick up my race packet and hear the pre-race briefing.  It turns out there was some error in the swim waves, so I talked to the race director after the briefing and got my correct wave & cap - little old ladies (yeah, 40+ = old) wear white caps...how fitting.  :)  We also were going to start last - 7:16 am.  I scoped out the water a bit - didn't go in, because I was having a bit of last minute jitters - but looking at the buoys, they didn't look so far away.  It's kind of funny, because when I looked at buoys at a similar race in June, they looked forever away.

I took myself to dinner (mmm. Pizzeria Uno + dessert), stopped at 7-11 for some provisions (a pre-bedtime Bud-a-rita plus some sparkling water & ice), and went to the hotel to get some sleep - not that I ever sleep well in a hotel and certainly not before a race.  I caught 5 minute snippets of Cold Case and Law & Order SVU and House at various times through the night when I woke up.  Thankfully I had seen many of the episodes so I was able to go right back to sleep.  At 4:45 the alarm went off (one of six I had set - a wee bit OCD about waking up) and I was up and at-em.  The fam was planning on coming into town Saturday to catch me at T2 due to some other obligations.

Saturday:
Pre-race:  I ate an uncrustable, filled up my water bottles, packed & repacked my transition bag, and then left the hotel.  I got to my car and realized the GPS wouldn't work and I really didn't know the best way to get to the race site - eventually I got my phone to tell me...a little bit of anxiety I didn't need and it set me back a little later than I wanted.  I drove to the race site and my headlamp didn't work - so I was basically pumping up my tires in the dark.  Damndest thing, on the way home from the race later that afternoon, I looked back into the trunk of the SUV and there's my headlamp, flashing like a lightning bug.  One of those - everything that can go wrong on race morning does - kind of things.  Thankfully, these were minor annoyances more than anything.  Got my transition set up and heard some of the best news ever - WATER TEMP = 77.3 - WET SUIT LEGAL!

Swim: 53:56 (24/26 Age Group (AG), 114/126 Women (W), 334/363 Overall (OA)
The swim was basically a reverse-fat 1...straight up from the beach to buoy 1, hang a right (swimming against the current/tide) to buoy 2, hang a 120 degree angle and swim diagonal left (with the current at about a 45 degree cross current) to buoy 3, and then swim mostly straight back into shore (cross/with the current again, kinda).  The water was very shallow, so we walked part of the way to the first buoy.  My Masters coach had worked with me on dolphin diving last week, but I wasn't comfortable and figured easing into the swim would be the best for me.  Then I started swimming.  Round buoy 1, fine.  Out to buoy 2, against the current, took a while, but it was OK - I even still had people right around me.  Then most of the way out to buoy 3 was fine.  Swimming with the current/tide - I felt pretty fast (even though I was at the back end of my wave).  And all of a sudden, the police boats are hollering - everyone was way off course.  The tide had started affecting everything and swirling around the last buoy (which was anchored to a channel marker).  I got completely disoriented and couldn't figure out which way the buoy was to swim around.  It took me forever to get around the last buoy and start to head into shore.  Then, because the current/tide was so strong, I ended up swimming in kind of a zigzag - against current, but then the current took me way off line again.  I'm sure if I looked at how far I actually swam, it would be another quarter mile.  I should have swum all the way in, but once I could touch bottom, I stood up and walked.  It was hard work on my legs, but it let me calm down from the panic/disorientation I was feeling about the last buoy.

That all being said - I swam the whole thing.  No kayak resting, no backstroke, and despite the panic, I was able to keep on going.  Crossed the timing mat and started the long run/walk to transition.

T1 (swim to bike):  6:08 (20/26 AG, 106/126W, 309/363 OA)
Best part of T1 was the wetsuit strippers.  I didn't really need them since I had sprayed myself quite generously with Tri-Glide, but I figured when else would there be strippers in my life!  So I let a little old man pull my wetsuit off.  :)
Worst part of T1 was the fact it was probably a quarter mile to the transition area from the beach.  I ran/walked it, and as I was entering the transition area, I was able to see the race clock.  It said 1:12...and I had a 16 minute late start, so I was in transition before an hour!  Crazy!  I was so excited.
Because of their morning schedule, family wasn't there yet.  I dried my feet, ate a gel, loaded up my nutrition, helmets/gloves/sunglasses/bike shoes - and off I went...

Bike: 3:36:54 (20/26 AG, 108/126W, 335/363 OA)
The bike for this race is actually 2 miles longer than a normal HIM - so I am two miles cooler than most Half Iron Men.  At least that's what I'm going with.  I had ridden the bike course earlier, so I knew what I was in for...and it was good I did, because otherwise, the last stretch of 23 miles - straight on one road - would have been interminable.  It was kind of that way anyway.  No big hills - kept it in the big ring except for one climb.  I would have liked to have ridden a little more in aero, but to be honest, it didn't feel very good.  My body wasn't happy down and it wasn't happy up, so I alternated between the two - more often up.  Nutrition wise - I ate a Payday bar.  I was also planning on eating another uncrustable, but it didn't sound very good.  I ate about 1 bite every 10 miles - they were nice enough to mark every five miles...and every round number had a smiley in the zero.  It made me laugh the first 3 times...mile markers 40 and 50 were not so funny.  I also had my double mixed Gatorade in the front, but I had put too much salt in it, so it tasted more gross than normal.  I was so happy to have the water bottle handoffs - that worked really well.  My first pickup of clean water and I guzzled it like a man in a desert.
I did hallucinate that I heard a flat tire one time, so I pulled off and felt both my tires - no problem.  So I got back and finished.  As I was coming into T2, two-thirds of the family was there to cheer me on.  Here's a charming picture of my backside (I like to think because I'm so fast he missed my front...)

This is where one bad thing happened.  After I dismounted my bike, I was trying to get my leg over (and I had bottles in my rear carrier, so it's not an easy endeavor)...and I slipped.  The bike went right, I went left, and I accidentally stepped on my back wheel - doesn't seem to be permanent damage, but I bent the valve stem off the tube and all the air went instantly out of my tire as I'm standing at the dismount line.  Husband heard the crash and the whoosh of air - he didn't hear the expletive that followed.  But as I told the volunteer at the line, I didn't need the bike any more that day so it wasn't a big deal.  Into the second transition...

T2 (bike to run): 2:24 (12/26 AG, 65/126 W, 199/363 OA)
Clearly I was born to T2 - my best ranked performance of the day.

Can I just say, at this point, that tri suits are SO flattering?  NOT.  Seriously.  Anyway, here I am in T2.  Helmet/sunglasses/gloves off, running shoes/ballcap/race number on - and off to the run.

Run:  2:42:38 (18/26 AG, 95/126W, 302/363 OA)
Once I hit the run, I knew everything was going to be OK.  The bike didn't take me as long as I expected so I had forever for the run.  Even my slowest half marathon, back when I weighed a lot more and had bad knees, did not take me as long as I had left to finish (before the 8-hour race deadline).  So basically I was running for beer.  Yes, you heard me right - I was running for beer.  Although I technically had 8 hours to finish the race, the beer tent was going to close after the awards ceremony...which could end before 8 hours elapsed.  So I needed to do what I could to get in before then.  :)

So the run course was two loops - you left from transition, ran about a mile (where the turn-around would be on the way back), then did a big 5.5 mile loop back to the turn-around, picked up a bracelet to prove you did one lap, back out for another lap on the 5.5 mile loop, and then past the turn-around and into the finish.

My fan club was at the turn-around for the end of my first loop, at the 6.5 mile mark.  Above I am coming into the turn-around, same with the first shot below.  Did I mention that tri-suits are not flattering?  (Body image is an off-season goal.  More on that another day.  Right now, I am just content to think I am a flippin' rock star.)

At the turn-around (and at the rest stations every mile) they had food, water, ice, and Coke.  Here I am leaving the turn-around (walking because I'm eating Chex mix and looking really pissed off for some reason...not sure why).

The run went awesome.  After about mile 2, I caught up with my friend who I had ridden the course with a couple weeks ago.  I ran with her for a few miles and it was nice to have someone to talk to.  At mile 4, I took my first cup of Coke.  There is NOTHING better in this world than Coke.  I gave up drinking soda (generally diet Pepsi) in the last year, although in the last month or so I've actually had diet sodas occasionally - more than I'd like and I'm hoping to give them back up after race season...but that Coke on the race course was like ambrosia.  Mead.  Nectar of the gods.  OMG.  Holey good.  I was actually irritated when I came on a rest station later in the race that had run out of Coke.

So I finished up the first lap, got a big boost from my cheering section at the turn-around, and headed back off on the second lap.  Around mile 7 or so, I ran into a woman who was going about my speed.  I asked her if she'd mind some company (shout-out to Tammy from Lynchburg) and ran the next 3 miles with her.  I didn't even feel those 3 miles - we were chatting like we were long time friends and the time just flew.  Eventually my watch beeped for mile 10 and I was feeling really good, so I picked up the pace and left Tammy.  And then I busted a move to the finish.  OK, I don't think I was any faster those 3 miles, but it felt like I was cruising - probably because my brain stopped working.

And then there was this:

The FINISH LINE!  I hadn't really set any goals for myself, except to finish - since it was my first HIM and I had no context.  I didn't want to be last and I wanted to finish in the allotted 8 hours.  It would be an added bonus if the beer tent was still open.  During the last part of my run, I actually took a few peeks at my watch and realized I was well under the 8-hour projection.  And then as I ran into the finish, the clock said 7:37:xx - take away the 16-minute delay for my wave start and HOLEY CRAP...7:21!  I was so crazy excited.

I got my medal, cold cloth, and water.  The lady got the chip off my ankle (which is always a challenge because I don't trust velcro, so I safety pin my chip and my Road ID).  And then, after a few minutes and lots of hugs from my cheering section...we went to the beer tent.  Yes.  Before food and soda and gatorade, we went to the beer tent and I ordered a Fat Tire.  (We actually got 2 free as participants but I gave my 2nd to the hubby.)  I did it!  I finished in time for beer!  I did end up going to get my pizza and gatorade and another can of Coke...mmmm Coke, but first things first.

Afterwards, we came home, cleaned up, and went out for a celebratory dinner (and to buy cupcakes - since I said all I wanted after the race was to eat cupcakes and beer).

Post-dinner celebration above.  Then some college football until I could function no longer, and I went to sleep.  Hubby woke me up to tell me that the results were up (and mine were wrong...due to the swim-cap fiasco on Friday).  This, of course, got me all in a tizzy - because I worked hard for that 7:21 damnit - so I e-mailed the company and posted on their Facebook - and to their credit, my time was all fixed as of last night all ready.  Thank you so much, Set Up - you did right by me.  Great race and you totally took care of problems as fast as you could.

So a big thanks to my cheering section (hubby and daughters and extended family), my tri friends (in real life and otherwise), my Masters coaches, and even the people who thought I was crazy.  Yeah, I probably am.  But I am also a Half Iron Man.

Two More Sleeps...and Positive Mental Imagery

There's something strange and powerful about black-and-white imagery. -- Stefan Kanfer

Two more days until the race.  This week I've been working on my mental imagery for the race - something that is very important for success  -- at least that's what the experts say:

Jim Taylor, PhD - Sports Imagery:  Athletes' Most Powerful Mental Tool

[T]here is no more powerful mental tool than mental imagery and it can have a huge impact on your sports performance. . . .  From doubt came confidence.  From distraction came focus.  From anxiety came intensity.  From timidness came aggressiveness.  From inconsistency came consistency.  And, most importantly, from decent results came outstanding results.

So I've been working on developing an imagery narrative for my race.  Yesterday at Masters I was inspired for the swim when the coach worked with me on dolphin diving.  Dolphins are one with the water, undulate through it without drag.  As she said, you need to become the dolphin and lose the human while you are on the swim.

By Arnaud 25 (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

On the bike, it only makes sense to think of Freyja - my bike's namesake.  Now I probably won't find any cats to pull me along, but I should think about the bike as a chariot ride - a fast transport between the swim and the run.

By Ludwig Pietsch (1824-1911) [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

And when I finally make it to the run, not so much an image, but an acknowledgement:

Borrowed from insatiably.wordpress.com

It will hurt.  It will take time.  There will be temptation to quit.  But IT WILL BE WORTH IT.  Suck it up, Buttercup - and finish the race.

So that's what I'll be thinking at various times on Saturday - I hope you will be sending good mojo my way.  :)  The weather sounds like it is going to be fantastic; the water is likely to be wetsuit legal (and therefore my swim may even be a little faster); and it's going to be a great day.

Four Days and Counting

You should never, ever give up. -- Diana Nyad

Holey cow.  Just in time for my race, another amazing role model for me to keep in mind.  Diana Nyad, despite being sick as a dog and hurting like crazy, finished her 53-hour swim between Cuba and Florida.  If she can do that, in her 60s, with jelly fish and sharks and other weird crap...I can do my HIM this weekend.

I can do this.  I will never, ever give up.

Training 8/25 - 8/31 . . . and Taper Madness

(courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

This is a tapir.  It is pretty ugly.  This coming week is my taper.  It too will be ugly.  I hate tapering - the short period of time before your race when you are supposed to tone down on your training and get healed up for the big day.  You know I'm already anxious to get on with this race...and now I'm not even supposed to be training?  Yikes.   What am I going to do with myself?


Sunday 8/25 - 1500m swim race (52:50)
Monday 8/26 - 35 minute swim (Masters - left early), BRICK 2:46 minute bike, 1.8 mile run
Tuesday 8/27 - 2.85 mile run
Wednesday 8/28 - 45 minute OWS (Masters)
Thursday 8/29 - 30 minute bike (Freyja on trainer)
Friday 8/30 - 60 minute swim (Masters), 3.87 mile run + 1.14 mile run/walk (too damn hot)
Saturday 8/31 - 35 minute bike (Freyja on trainer)