It's time for my annual Thanksgiving post - and it's a bittersweet one to write. Looking back over this past year, it is so easy to focus in on the failure. THE failure. The FAILURE. And so hard to see anything else. What did you do on your summer vacation? I DNF'd IMLOU. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I made the right decision to quite, but I'll be honest - it has really dealt a blow to my ego, my ambition, not to mention my waistline.
Looking back, I started this blog because I was trying to do something scary. Trying. And I succeeded. And after racking up a number of successes that surprised me (because I have low expectations for myself), I started to think I wouldn't fail. But if I'm going to try, I need to be OK with failing.
Shortly after Louisville, I found this quote. It is time for me to start living this quote.
Since Louisville, and even before, I was the recipient of an immense amount of generosity. People were kind with their time, with their prayers, with their help. I have often been selfish with mine - it's not easy to be a full-time mom/wife/professional amateur triathlete. It's pretty much a constant juggling act and sometimes that makes me selfish. But one benefit of my failure is the gift of time to be generous...to volunteer...to show up. Generosity should be repaid, and I'm currently in debt.
I know some people will think that sorrow is too great an emotion to attach to my triathlon season. Sorrow should be reserved for big things...but it isn't. Sorrow is a feeling that attaches to all sorts of things. I know that I should focus on the joy of all the many gifts I have, of all the successes that have been achieved, and so on. But sometimes, I still am sad. And so I should write about joy. Because there is joy there too, if I take the time to see it.
Faith. Faith is hard. I feel like I have lost some faith in myself. I realize that all faith comes from elsewhere and it isn't really faith in myself that matters. And on a bigger plain, I get that. But I also know that I need to believe that God will give me the strength I need to achieve what is planned for me...and some of that is believing that I am stronger than I think I am.
Which leads me to gratitude. I am grateful for so many things as I come out of the funk that has been hanging over me for a couple months. Maybe I'm not coming out of it - I can't really tell. But I am grateful.
I am grateful for my family, who made it possible for me to try and loved me when I failed. I am grateful for my friends, who were there for the struggles and saw even the failure as a triumph of sorts. I am grateful for everyone who has been so generous to me - helping with logistics, helping with motivation, helping with praise, helping with trying to kick my butt back out of the funk. I am grateful that there is joy under the sorrow and that the world is not as dark as it sometimes can seem. I am grateful that I have faith, that I can rest in my faith when things look to hard for me. I am grateful for it all.
Happy Thanksgiving! May you have a holiday full of gratitude.
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