New Directions!

The good life is a process, not a state of being.  It is a direction not a destination. -- Carl Rogers

You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  You're on your own, and you know what you know.  And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. -- Dr. Seuss

IRONMAN LOUISVILLE 2016

It feels good to have a direction.  I feel a lot better knowing where the next year is going to take me.  I'm still working with IronSherpa and my coach to plan out the whole year, but I know that the culmination of 2016 is going to be back at Louisville, where the downward spiral started.  And I'm excited.  Rather than being nervous to return to the scene of the crime, I instead view it as an opportunity to fight back.  To slay the dragon.  To earn the IM that I was meant to have in 2014.  And that is honestly a good feeling.

I was hoping that IM Louisville was going to be an option for the IMMD discount.  And that it wouldn't sell out before then.  In talking with IronSherpa, we were looking at Louisville, Chattanooga, and Maryland -- all driveable.  And then Chattanooga sold out.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  On Friday morning, the email came in and the choice was easy.  I wanted to go back to Louisville and I get to.  And a wonderful peace has come over me.  Weird, huh?

To be sure, there will be ups, downs, highs, lows, and probably a few meltdowns along the way, but I can't imagine a better place to make my comeback.  Besides, who doesn't love "Call to Post"?

2016 will be my year.  Louisville will be my IM.  And the best is yet to come!

Wishin' and Hopin' and Thinkin' and Prayin'

A certain amount of impatience may be useful to stimulate and motivate us to action.  However, I believe that a lack of patience is a major cause of difficulties and unhappiness in the world today. -- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Patience has never been a virtue that I have had an excess amount of.  In fact, I have been blessed with much more impatience than patience.  And so it's really tough right now to wait to hear what IM races might be available for me next year.  It's made all the more aggravating when I hear what races all of the folks in town and in my tri club are doing...I want to be able to add my name to that list of people who know what their next year will be focused on.  I'm trying not to dwell, but it is testing all of my patience as I wait...wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and planin' and dreamin'...

I think my priorities, if we do an IM-branded race, would be first IMLOU (gotta get 'er done), IMChoo (although that's likely to fill up before we get the go-ahead to discount register), and then IMMD (although I'm not sure how excited I am about it...).  Otherwise, it will probably be B2B - which is cool, but a lot smaller.

No matter what, I'm waiting for the next leap forward - looking to have a great 2016.

(Look at me - a two song day!  Hopefully Billy Bragg will get Dusty Springfield out of your head.  ;) )

Congratulations, Iron Sherpa! (or the ups-and-downs of being an Iron Spouse)

Emotional roller coasters tend to emphasize the lows, tend to be more affected bythe low, by the dip in the emotional roller coaster than when you are at the peak. -- Rush Limbaugh

Congratulations to IronSherpa - he finished his first Ironman race and did a really awesome job.  I'm super proud of him.  That being said, I'm not so proud of me.  I've been on kind of a roller coaster this weekend, and the lows have won out on more occasions.



I wasn't planning on going to Maryland to watch Sherpa.  I wasn't.  I was going to stay home with the IronKids and stalk him on the Internet.  But then, halfway up to DC for a soccer game, I got it in my head that I could handle being at the race and cheering for IronSherpa in person.  And so we did the unthinkable (for me) - we spontaneously, with no equipment (save for the blankets we brought for soccer) and no plans, we left after the soccer game and went to IM MD.  We found the shuttle, figured out he was still on the bike course, and went out to spectate.  Unfortunately, the IM tracking website had a few issues, so we actually missed him coming in on the bike and leaving on the run...well, we didn't actually miss him - we were sitting RIGHT THERE and didn't see him.  I forgot what he was wearing and because the website was off, we didn't know when to expect him, so he rode right past us and we didn't notice.  Ooops.  But we were there.  And probably a good thing we didn't yell at him when he was on his bike, since he wasn't expecting us, at all, and that may have just made him crash.  So we'll call it a good thing.  But we were there.

We figured out finally he was on the run, so we went out to cheer for him there and actually caught him on the first of 3 loops (and then subsequent loops and the finish) so that was awesome.  He was surprised and we were excited to have surprised him.  We watched him finish, I cried, we got him warmed up (it was really freaking cold and windy), and then we went to the village to get him food.  And then I got sad.  I got sad because it wasn't me.  I got sad because I wanted to be an Ironman too.  And then I got mad, because -- despite every wonderful thing that I could say about IM Maryland and its organizers, especially with the reschedule -- the food situation for spectators was abysmal.  The restaurants in town were over-jammed and the "food truck" for purchasing food in IM village was a joke.  An absolute joke.  (Stay away from Two Chicks catering & food truck.  Dis.Ass.Ter.)  I was starving.  And cold.  And sad.  And that's just not a good combination for me.  So I was not the best IronWife I could have been...and I do feel bad about that.

Also, there's this whole "I'm not good at spontaneous" thing.  I had planned to be home on Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday, not in Maryland and/or driving home Sunday morning in time to make another IronKid soccer game.  I had my whole day planned out...and then I changed plans...but I forgot to get my head wrapped around it.  I'm not good with changing plans.  I'm not good with logistics.  And here I managed to screw up my own plans and do so with no thought to logistics.  Yeah me.  Again, not my best IronWife moment, because I then freaked out about all the un-done stuff at home, etc.

Anyway.  Point is.  I did something awesome and took IronKids to cheer for IronSherpa.  And then I was sad.  And mad.  And not a very pleasant person - because no matter how high the highs are on the emotional roller coaster -- and I was super high for IronSherpa's finish...the lows are worse.

And so now I'm back in the Death Valley of waiting...and waiting...and waiting.   Today we're supposed to hear something about what is available to folks who couldn't make the IMMD reschedule date - but I'm not sure, even at the end of today, if I'll know what lies ahead for me.  I know, listening to IronSherpa's story, that IMMD is not really the best option for me at this point..because the course plays to all of my weaknesses (no coasting, lots of wind, potential cold) and none of my strengths (I'm not sure what these even are, but I'm fairly certain a windy, cold, flat course isn't among them).  But who knows what the available options will be and when they will become available.  I'm ready to schedule for next year, but I have to wait for the details and it's kind of killing me.  I'm ready to be an Ironman - and I know I have to wait a year...and that's OK...I want to be in kick-ass shape and 40 pounds lighter, which is totally doable...but I need to have something to look forward to other than an e-mail at the end of today.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to ride IronSherpa's high.  He looks pretty awesome in his IM Finisher gear - even if the jacket is ugly this year.  :)

Watching and Waiting

When we make progress quickly, it feeds our emotions.  Then, when there's a period of waiting or we hit a plateau, we found out how committed we really are and whether we're going to see things through to the finish or quit. -- Joyce Meyer

I feel like I'm in limbo right now, between watching and waiting.  This weekend we went with the local tri club to watch Kona - interesting, but not even very inspiring this year...in part because I had to spend the whole evening explaining why IronSherpa was going to IMMD and I was not.  Honestly, people - I won't pretend I understand your back story because I know you don't know mine.  Yeah, I say I'm not going to IMMD-2 because of the girls but also, the couple of weeks before the IMMD-that-wasn't were very very hard for me.  Lots of stress/anxiety/depression/etc., because I was not feeling good about my training, not feeling confident in anything to be honest.  And I know another DNF would be worse for me than a DNS.  At this point, although subject to change, I don't even think I can go watch IronSherpa finish, because I can only imagine how hard it would be to stand at the finish line I was meant to be crossing.  Kona itself didn't really bother me, but all of my friends -- friends who were so understanding about how devastating the race postponement was -- bothered me, because I realized they don't understand me at all.  And a lot of that is my fault, because I keep my feelings to myself.

Well.  This past year has been hard.  There have been a lot of negatives -- the stress fracture DNF at IM Louisville, the long slow buildup that ended with a hypothermia DNF at the DC R&R marathon, the couple of weeks of the absolute mystery illness followed the hypothermia, another long slow buildup, and then a summer of workouts that just didn't always feel right.  Oh, and dropping a kitchen drawer on my foot and not being able to run.  Again.  In August.  The year appears to be a catalog of small disasters.  And all of them added up to one big mental disaster when it came to my "game face."  I thought I'd completely lost any mental toughness that I used to have.  (I don't even know if I have the mental toughness to be at IMMD to watch IronSherpa...which is why that's still up in the air...)

And then I "watched" as a number of my friends rocked IM Louisville on Sunday.  That inspired me.  I actually felt like I might be getting my groove back.  I wanted to be them.  And I know that I will be someday.  What will that someday be?  I don't know, because I have to wait until we hear whether I can do any of Ironman's discounted races next year.  Sometime next fall, I too will be an Ironman...but what date and what race is still up in the air.  The bummer is that it is hard to start to get a mental picture until I have an exact picture to visualize.  I'm kind of being a baby about it, because I should know in the next couple weeks but I know that once I do know, putting and keeping that picture in my head will be so much easier and make it more likely that I will be able to get my mojo back.

In the meantime (and even after), I've decided to put my focus on quick progress to feed my emotions.  I need to "suffer" some wins - some good workouts, some happy moments where I feel success...and so I'm starting over.  I ran 2 miles yesterday.  And it felt like a win.  (Well, kinda, because I'm still getting over a really vicious head cold that knocked me on my ass last week...but it was a win in my book.)  I want to gather up these wins, hold onto the happy, and start finding my mental toughness again with a platform of wins behind me.  Because I will be an Ironman sometime next fall...just wait & watch me!

A Week of Wallow

There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud. -- Carl Sandburg

I wrote about wasting time, which I suppose is a part of the great human journey.  We're supposed to wallow, to go through the desert without water for a long time so that when we finally drink it, we'll truly need it and we won't spill a drop.  It's about being present. -- Walton Goggins

A week has passed and I can't say that much has happened.  In fact, I have continued to wallow in my non-race misery...and managed to get one heck of a head cold as a result of being immuno-compromised due to training.  So I've had the opportunity to wallow on the couch and not do anything at all.  Which really sucks.  Or not - what is good about being confined to my couch for the last couple days is that I know that I don't want to stay there.  I want to go for a run.  I want to figure out what races are next.  I want to start from square one and get ready for a fantastic 2016.  There's no sense in looking at the rest of this year - I need to make exercise fun again, I need to lose some of my physical and mental baggage, and I need to get ready to rock 2016.

The Ironman That Wasn't

What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris?  What's the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood? -- Buddha

What is the appropriate behavior upon learning that the Ironman you had trained for all summer was cancelled?  The race that you wanted for redemption?  The race that had been eating at you for a month with fears that you couldn't do it, that your training hadn't been good enough, that you had too many mishaps and lapses of mojo?  The race that had encompassed your entire life for more months than you care to say -- causing you to slack off on the housework, your job, and loving on your kids?  What's the proper response?

I don't really have an answer for you - I'm still riding a roller coaster of emotions and none of them have won out yet.  IronSherpa and I drove up to Washington DC on Wednesday so I could speak at a conference; after I spoke on Thursday morning, we were to drive to Cambridge MD to check in for IM MD.  Today, Friday, would be bike check-in, and the race was to be tomorrow.  On the drive up to DC, IronSherpa and I were talking about the race and how we would feel if they cut the swim.  The forecast of severe rain and the possibility of Hurricane Joaquin made that possibility a real concern.  Cancelling the race maybe crossed our minds, but it wasn't a serious worry.

After checking our bikes into our DC hotel -- yeah, our bikes are that important to us -- we went to the conference.  Partway through the afternoon, my phone blew up and it felt like my world fell apart.  A good friend called me to see if I was OK, since she saw the race was off.  Another friend posted on Facebook how bad she felt for all IMMD racers due to the cancellation.  Not willing to rely on this, I went straight to the source...and after reading the official cancellation notice on the Ironman website, I fled from the conference...crying.

After gathering myself, IronSherpa and I went off to figure things out with a little more clarity.  There's a chance (we'll know early next week) that the race will be held on October 17 - but we don't have child care and I can't keep canceling class...I've already missed way too much between our practice trip and the race (plus my work conferences).  We talked through various ways we could try to handle it, but for me, the answer was pretty clear.  I can't do it.  I shouldn't do it.  I can't spend another two weeks in the mental place I spent the last two weeks.

We muddled through the rest of the conference - I'm kind of upset because I know I wasn't at my best for my presentation on Thursday morning...the level of distraction that I feel right now is very high.  And this is Friday afternoon, after a day and a half of wallowing.  Imagine how distracted I was on Thursday morning!

Anyway, we're back at home with the kids and the in-laws who were here to stay with them.  And I'm trying to figure out the proper response for the Ironman that wasn't (and avoid the crazy flooding that is here on the east coast).  I'm ready to get back to "normal" but first I have to get over it.  The responses from my friends have been great - even folks who haven't done Ironman races or even triathlons, which is pretty cool, because I know how hard it must be to imagine how it feels.  I have good friends.

Expect me to be around a lot more - I have more free time now.  Ha!  And also, I need to figure out the plans for going forward...and I look forward to sharing them.