The Ironman That Wasn't

What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris?  What's the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood? -- Buddha

What is the appropriate behavior upon learning that the Ironman you had trained for all summer was cancelled?  The race that you wanted for redemption?  The race that had been eating at you for a month with fears that you couldn't do it, that your training hadn't been good enough, that you had too many mishaps and lapses of mojo?  The race that had encompassed your entire life for more months than you care to say -- causing you to slack off on the housework, your job, and loving on your kids?  What's the proper response?

I don't really have an answer for you - I'm still riding a roller coaster of emotions and none of them have won out yet.  IronSherpa and I drove up to Washington DC on Wednesday so I could speak at a conference; after I spoke on Thursday morning, we were to drive to Cambridge MD to check in for IM MD.  Today, Friday, would be bike check-in, and the race was to be tomorrow.  On the drive up to DC, IronSherpa and I were talking about the race and how we would feel if they cut the swim.  The forecast of severe rain and the possibility of Hurricane Joaquin made that possibility a real concern.  Cancelling the race maybe crossed our minds, but it wasn't a serious worry.

After checking our bikes into our DC hotel -- yeah, our bikes are that important to us -- we went to the conference.  Partway through the afternoon, my phone blew up and it felt like my world fell apart.  A good friend called me to see if I was OK, since she saw the race was off.  Another friend posted on Facebook how bad she felt for all IMMD racers due to the cancellation.  Not willing to rely on this, I went straight to the source...and after reading the official cancellation notice on the Ironman website, I fled from the conference...crying.

After gathering myself, IronSherpa and I went off to figure things out with a little more clarity.  There's a chance (we'll know early next week) that the race will be held on October 17 - but we don't have child care and I can't keep canceling class...I've already missed way too much between our practice trip and the race (plus my work conferences).  We talked through various ways we could try to handle it, but for me, the answer was pretty clear.  I can't do it.  I shouldn't do it.  I can't spend another two weeks in the mental place I spent the last two weeks.

We muddled through the rest of the conference - I'm kind of upset because I know I wasn't at my best for my presentation on Thursday morning...the level of distraction that I feel right now is very high.  And this is Friday afternoon, after a day and a half of wallowing.  Imagine how distracted I was on Thursday morning!

Anyway, we're back at home with the kids and the in-laws who were here to stay with them.  And I'm trying to figure out the proper response for the Ironman that wasn't (and avoid the crazy flooding that is here on the east coast).  I'm ready to get back to "normal" but first I have to get over it.  The responses from my friends have been great - even folks who haven't done Ironman races or even triathlons, which is pretty cool, because I know how hard it must be to imagine how it feels.  I have good friends.

Expect me to be around a lot more - I have more free time now.  Ha!  And also, I need to figure out the plans for going forward...and I look forward to sharing them.