Where did you go?

I took a little break -- I was coming back to work and the last thing I was going to do was take a step backwards, so I knew that if I was going to take a feature it was going to have to be taking a step forward. -- Nia Long

Spend time reflecting on your emotional and physical existence and how that applies to the voice.  You have to apply that wisdom and experience when you sing -- it's what comes through. -- K.D. Lang

I took a break from blogging.  You may have noticed.  I've been gone for almost two months, but I was gone long before that.  I needed to take a little break to make sure that I was moving forward, because it felt like last year was just a series of steps backwards.  And I was tired of taking steps backward.  Even more so, I was tired of talking about taking steps backwards.  So I decided to wait until I felt like was moving forward to come back

Even though right now I haven't made it back to where I want to be, where I should be, where I can be...I feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm moving forward.  It's hard to explain, when the forward motion is happening at a snail's pace.  No one can see the forward progress...even I have a hard time seeing it.  Occasionally I'll post a workout to my coach and she'll be like "wow - you are doing better" and I will be surprised.  I hadn't noticed.  It still felt like I was sliding backwards.  So I guess one good thing (and there are others) about having a coach right now is that she can objectively look at where I am and where I'm going and see progress.  Even where I can't.

Another thing that time away and slow progress have taught me is that my voice right now is different than it used to be.  I spend too much time comparing myself to others -- not just in running and triathlon, but also in work, in parenting, in life.  Other people are doing it so much better.  But their voices are not my voice; I haven't been listening to my experiences when I look around.  My experiences are different -- not unique, I'm sure, but different.  And so when I look around, I need to apply my experience to what is around me.  I'm not the same as I was, but I'm working hard.  I'm not as fast as I was, but I'm getting faster than I have been most recently.  I'm not as good as I could be, but I'm getting better than I was yesterday.  This is the voice I need to hear -- this is the message I need to listen to.

For a little while, I've figured that to hear this voice, I needed to be quiet.  To not talk about what was in my head.  To not blog.  But I feel that it's time to put my experience back to voice and sing...well, not sing, because I have a terrible voice in that respect, but to blog.  To write about what it's like to live my experience...not that it's some deep meaningful thing that will change anyone else's life, but because by sharing it, I can change my own life.  Before, blogging has made me thoughtful, made me brave, made me strong.  Then, blogging made me embarrassed, made me sad.  It's time to be thoughtful, brave, and strong again.  That's my voice.  And that's the way forward.