Overwhelmed

I can work myself up into a fearful, paralyzing state of mind that can last for days, weeks, even months, where I feel mad, totally isolated and alone, overwhelmed, and completely out of control. -- Vinny Guadagnino

My husband asked last night if I was tired of blogging.  Nope.  I miss blogging -- in fact, it helps to sort out my feelings, pep me up a bit, etc.  I am just plain old tired.  Between work (where I'm behind), training (where I feel like I'm behind), family (where I'm always behind), and other areas of life (where, you guessed it, I'm probably behind), I just feel very overwhelmed right now.  My understanding is that's normal at the end of Ironman training, heading into the taper.  No longer do I have to fit 6 hour bike rides and 4 hour runs on my schedule...this week it's just a 4.5 hour bike and a 2.5 hour run.  Next week even less.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll find a little peace and breathing room in the next few weeks so that I can wrap my head around actually doing the race.  Because right now I can't even get that far.  And I feel just a little bit crazy all the time.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be...me

(Matchbox Twenty - Unwell)

Also, I watched this great video of Hillary Biscay yesterday.  It kind of helped bring me back into focus.  As she puts it, sometimes reaching your goal is about showing up (and showing up and showing up) and continuing to move forward.  That sounds like a plan to me.

Taper is usually kind of maddening, because you know that you're used to 15-hour training weeks, or whatever, and all of a sudden, you're only doing 10 hours...and it feels like you're slacking off.  I've never actually enjoyed tapering, but I think I may just enjoy the next few weeks so that I can get my  life back in order...or at least the quasi-order that passes for ordinary in my life.  (Of course, 10 weeks after IMLOU, I'm running the OBX Marathon, shooting for my sub-5, but that's a different story for another day.  But I've been studying training plans, because what else do idiots do when they're overwhelmed.  That and look at LOLcats, right?)

One of my friends FB'd this to me...I should probably spend a little more time thinking about it...

T - time to reflect

A - appreciate all that has been sacrificed to get here

P - pack away any fear or anxiety

E  - enjoy the moment

R - rejoice in knowing you've trained, trained well, and you are ready, strong, and able
Soon you will hear "Kristen, YOU ARE AN IRONMAN!"

I have an awesome family who has put up with the meltdowns and the excessive need to nap and awesome friends who keep cheering me along the way.  Now I just need to believe that I possess that awesomeness and go seize my day.  NINETEEN days and counting!