The One Thing

The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach.  -- Pliny the Elder

I watched a video about IM strategy from Endurance Nation.  It talks about the Four Keys to IM Success, one of which being "The One Thing."  What is your reason for doing an IM?  What are you going to tell yourself when it gets hard out there?  Why should you keep going forward instead of quitting?  You need to rehearse your mental conversation about your "One Thing" before the race so you're ready to debate yourself on the course.   You know - you're racing for your family member who died, or because you lost 150 pounds, or because you're raising money for charity - all fantastic reasons to do something like an IM.

But what's my one thing?  I had kind of been avoiding my "one thing" because it's a big thing - something I don't like to think about or talk about.  But if it is the key to winning the struggle, then it's time to deal with it.  The thing is, however, it seems cheap to talk about it now.  I was thinking about how to explain my "One Thing" on the way home from Masters practice on Monday night...only to arrive home to hear about Robin Williams' suicide.  And then all of a sudden, it seemed stupid to think that my "One Thing" really mattered anymore.  But that isn't really the right way to look at it.  So here goes nothing.

Why are you doing this Ironman race?  Because I'm tired of being scared.  I suffer from some depression and anxiety, both of which lead me to fear many things.  I'm afraid of not being good enough.  I'm afraid of being awkward.  I'm afraid of not having friends.  I'm afraid of the dark.  I'm afraid my family thinks I'm nuts.  I'm afraid my daughters will end up nuts.  I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. I'm afraid of people noticing I'm wrong.  I'm afraid that someone will see how scared I am.  And a few years ago, these fears became paralyzing.  I stopped doing anything.  My health suffered.  My family suffered.  My job suffered.  I suffered.

But then I started doing something.  I started running again.  I was afraid to come in last, but I ran anyway.  I started doing triathlons again.  I was afraid I would be last, but I did them anyway.  And once I got over the fear of being last, I needed to find something else to be afraid of.  So last year I thought I should do a HIM.  I would have to learn how to swim (scary) in the open water (scarier).  I would have to bike further than I ever had (yikes).  And I made it through.  And you know what?  My life seemed a little less scary after I accomplished it.

I was afraid the fear would come back...and so I signed up for IMLOU - that's twice as scary.  And as long as I focus on something that big and terrifying, nothing else scary seems to be a very big deal.  Along the way, little successes (breaking 7 hours, decimating swim fear) have added to my confidence, and that too has gone a long way towards keeping the fears at bay.  The higher I reach, the less I feel the darkness.

So I let my husband read this before I posted it and he said I sounded a little like an adrenaline addict - I always will need to find something scarier or else face the darkness.  I really don't see it that way.  I believe there is flat terrain out there somewhere that isn't scary and isn't dark.  If I get up to the flat terrain, I can pedal easy and maybe coast a little.  (It can't be a downhill, 'cause that just heads back into darkness, even though it would be nice to not have to pedal at all.)  But a nice flat, where I can maintain, sounds good to me.  And I think I'm almost there.

I guess this post is a little deeper and more personal than most of my previous posts.  Sorry if you came here for 80s music and cat jokes.  IMLOU is ten days away.  The battle from here on out is mental.  And I will be fighting the good fight.

What's your ONE THING?  I will conquer Louisville because I am beating the darkness.  Fear will not stop me.