A small look back, a big leap forward...

Review your goals twice every day in order to be focused on achieving them. -- Les Brown

An important part of any focusing regimen is to set aside time at the end of the day - just before going to sleep - to acknowledge your successes, review your goals, focus on your successful future, and make specific plans for what you want to accomplish the next day. -- Jack Canfield

The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year.  It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes.  Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions.  Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective. -- Gilbert K. Chesterton

Let's face it.  2015 was not a great year for me.  I'm ending the year with more fails than successes, more questions than answers, more things undone than completed, and more pounds on my hips than I started the year with.  In all of these things -- fails, questions, incompletes, and weight -- I think it's fair to say "less is more."  It's hard to acknowledge my successes from 2015, because I think that the year was spectacularly devoid of them...and so I think the best thing to do, as the year closes out, is to...let it go.  (Ha, you thought I was going to put in a Frozen video here, didn't you?  No, I would not torture you that way.)  Rather than looking backwards and dwelling on the things I have too much of (or even the things I had too little of, like success)...it's time to move forward.  So I've decided to start 2016 today.  A few days early.  Why not?  Calendars are so arbitrary.  :)

I usually make New Year's resolutions.  Why not?  Everyone does.  And everyone fails at them.  And so do I.  But I like the idea of a new me - starting afresh and focusing on my goals.  Of course, everyone does...that's the whole scam of New Year's resolutions, right?  We say we're going to lose weight, save money, be nicer, etc. etc. etc. for a day, or two, or even three...but then old habits kick back in and we go right back to the old us.  I've been reading a lot about habits and change.  I can't promise that I'll get this entirely right, but I think I have a plan to make some better New Year's resolutions...scratch that, some New Me resolutions.  I will set my resolutions in terms of goals, so they can be measured and reviewed.  I will make specific plans and set milestones so I can view progress.  I will acknowledge successes and I will try to understand failures and make adjustments to overcome them.  I will come into 2016 with new eyes and a new soul.  I'm starting afresh and I will be effective.

More about my New Me resolutions later...right now, I have to go run.  Success!

Heartbeat...

Repetition is based on body rhythms, so we identify with the heartbeat, or with walking, or with breathing. -- Karlheinz Stockhausen

Like I said, repetition in practice and hard work. -- Jerry Rice

This is my heartbeat song and I'm going to play it...

My new coach has me training with heart rate.  It's kind of been a crucible type moment, since it has revealed exactly how out of shape I am...either I have been this whole time and didn't know it or I've gone downhill very quickly.  Let's not speculate which it is.  Anyway, the bottom line is that, like I mentioned before, I have a long way to go.

When I first started training for triathlons, a million years ago (or maybe like seven), I used a HR plan...and I remember it was horrible.  I couldn't run and keep my heart rate any where near the zone it was supposed to be in , so I ran/walked or joggled or whatever.  But I kept at it, and eventually I lost weight and got faster and fitter.  And hopefully that's what will happen again, because yet again, my HR will not cooperate with running at any speed or for any distance.  I am hoping (and hopeful) that this will be like before -- that, if I keep at it and trust in the system, I will end up fitter and faster than before.  That's what needs to happen and I trust my coach.  So heart rate and joggle it is, for now.  And faster and fitter it will be.  :)

(Because leaving you with Kelly Clarkson's Heartbeat Song would be cruel and unusual punishment...)

A Long Way to Go and a Short Time to Get There...

It's been a long slog back, and we've still got a long way to go. -- Ted Strickland

I've got a long way to go to being the ultimate best, but I think my time is now.  And I'm starting to enter my prime. -- Kevin Durant

I ran the Toys for Tots 5K today.  It was a long way off my 5K PR...and I know this, because I gathered up my past race info and PR data for my new coach.  So, right now more than other times, I am acutely aware of just how slow I am now in comparison to other points in my life.  And not just because I'm getting older, because 2014 was actually one of my two good recent years.


All I can really say is that I have a long way to go...and a short time to get there, if I want to accomplish my goals for 2016.  (You may be saying to yourself - hey, that phrase sounds so familiar...but why?  From Smokey and the Bandit, of course, and that great song from Jerry Reed.  Click the video - you know you want to.)

Anyway, I am viewing today's race as a baseline.  A good place to start from.  I gave it a good effort and I see how far I need to go to get back to my happy place.  I have a new coach who wants to help me get there.  And I have the willpower to make it happen.

Dear Santa...

Believe in love.  Believe in magic.  Hell, believe in Santa Claus.  Believe in others.  Believe in yourself.   Believe in your dreams.  If you don't, who will? -- Jon Bon Jovi

Dear Santa,

It's been a long time since I have written you a letter.  I hope you are doing well. How's the missus?  And the elves?  Anyway, I know you're busy, so I'll get straight to the point.

I've been very good this year.  :)  OK, maybe not "very good."  But I haven't been terrible.  So I think I probably deserve something I want for Christmas.  This year, I'd like you to bring me a new coach.  I liked my old coach...but she's retiring and so I need a new one.  I've been interviewing new coaches, but it's hard and I don't like it.  (Oh, full disclosure - I may have had an e-mail mishap where I sent critical comments about one program back _to that coach_ rather than to my husband...ooops.  OK, I can see why you might see that as naughty behavior, but really, it's just because I was in a hurry and careless...not intentionally naughty.)

I can't really circle the coach I want in a catalog - do kids even still do that?  My kids e-mailed me their Christmas lists...along with helpful links to online stores.  Is that what kids do nowadays?  I guess pretty soon they'll just send their Christmas lists to you telepathically.  Or maybe you'll read their minds?  Creepy.  Anyway, I'm old school...so I'll just tell you what I'm looking for and I trust you and the elves to get it right.  :)  It's not like I'm asking for a pony or anything.

I want a triathlon coach who is nice, but not too nice.  I want someone who will be supportive and encouraging, but who will also make me work harder than I imagined possible.  I am a little lazy and not prone to push myself, but I will if someone else tells me to.  But I'm also a little anxious and doubtful, so I need someone who will believe in me until I can believe in myself.  I used to have more mojo and moxie when it came to this triathlon stuff, but I've kind of lost it and I'm looking for it again and I think it's important for me to have a coach help me do that.

I want a triathlon coach who can work with slow people, but will work to make me faster.  I'm slow right now - I get that.  But I don't want to be slow.  I want to be faster, and I'm (mostly) willing to work hard to get faster.  I don't want a coach who believes I'm too slow for them.  Or that dumbs things down because I'm slow.  I want someone who is invested in my success, both to finish the long distances and speed up my slowness.  (Even though I'm old.)

I want a triathlon coach who can rearrange my schedule (or at the very least put up with my rearrangements of their hard work) when job or kid drama comes up.  I want a triathlon coach who works with my personal quirks...I don't like to ride outside when it's cold (and cold is a subjective, warm temperature).  I like to run races occasionally, either with my daughter or just because it's fun.  I like to eat a lot and I like to drink wine.  I am a back of the pack runner/racer - and I aspire to back of the middle of the pack, or even middle of the pack.  That's it.  I like to train on weird days because my schedule is actually more flexible during the week than the weekend.   I appear to attract weird injuries - hypothermia, anyone?  I hate swimming by myself.  I started lifting weights in the off season and I kind of like it.  Did I mention I like to eat a lot and I like to drink wine?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not high maintenance.  I mostly listen.  :)  I generally put in my best effort, as written.  :)  But I'm a mom and wife and full-time professor.  And sometimes there is life.  On the other hand, triathlon is a big part of that life and it matters a lot to me, which is why I want a new coach for Christmas, because I'll miss my old coach and I'm not sure I can do this on my own.

One of my daughters thought if you list only one thing on your Christmas list then you'll definitely get it.  So I'm just going to ask for a coach.  And I know you'll deliver, because I believe in you and I know you want me to believe in me.  And I promise I'll be good next year.  :-)

Merry Christmas & have a safe trip on Christmas Eve!

Talking Turkey

Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings. -- William Arthur Ward

Happy Post-Thanksgiving, Pre-Christmas extended stretch of over-eating, over-drinking, and under-training...at least that's what it usually is.  But this year, I've decided to exercise a different plan.  I will follow my training plan (starting tomorrow, because this morning I woke up with my normal snot-nose headache that a friend told me could be seasonal allergies and I'm beginning to believe that's a real possibility).  I will eat carefully, except at holiday parties.  I will drink less during the week.  :)  I will make it to Christmas weighing the same, if not less, than I weigh this morning.  Because then New Years won't be a shock to my system, but a continuation of positive behaviors.

What's up with this? What kind of idiot makes a pre-Christmas resolution?  The kind of idiot that looked at a picture of herself at this year's Turkey Trot and nearly cried.  I had a turkey belly BEFORE gorging on turkey and I had a waddle under my chin that would make any turkey jealous.  (And if you could see my arms, you'd see the old-lady chicken wing thing I got going on.)  All in all, it was a wake-up call that I never wanted.  Girl, you're getting too big.  This has to stop.  And so, the pre-Christmas resolution.  I don't think I'm setting myself up to fail, because I'm not being militant.  Just sensible.  Careful.  And I know I have some holiday parties over the next few weeks where I'll want to eat and drink (including tomorrow at lunch).  And I will.  But on non-holiday party days, which is the bulk of them, I will be careful.  No more turkey pictures for me!

Eyes on the Prize

Contentment consists not in adding more fuel, but in taking away some fire. -- Thomas Fuller

Hearing about other people racing used to make me very jealous.  It didn't matter if I had just raced or if I was unprepared to race or if I was hurt or anything - I wanted to be the one racing.  But this past weekend, the marathon/half marathon/8K was going on in town and, oddly enough, I didn't feel the least bit jealous.  And I think it's because I am content.  There's no reason to add more fuel; instead I'm taking away some fire and focusing on my goals for 2016.  No more, no less.

I have two primary goals:  run a marathon PR (and ideally under 5 hours) and finish IM Louisville.

I'm working with my coach to meet these goals, and this week is when the fun starts...speedwork running, back on the bike, and even a 2-a-day workout (bike and run) this weekend.  I've started weight training to get stronger.  And I joined a "don't gain weight over the holidays" contest at the YMCA.  Now is when my 2016 season starts and I will keep my eyes on the prize.

Sometimes the Finish Line isn't the Best Goal

But for each of us, isn't life about determining your own finish line? -- Diana Nyad

This past weekend I didn't finish the OBX Marathon.  I waited for a sag wagon at mile 15.  And you know what?  I won the marathon.  That's not a typo.  I won on Sunday.

I signed up to run the OBX Marathon in 2014, thinking that after IM Louisville, I'd have the fitness to get my sub-5 marathon on the mostly flat course.  But then IMLOU ended with a stress fracture in my foot so I deferred OBX.

This fall, the question was to run, or not to run...and I wavered about eight million times about what to do.  I was going to run it, because I was fit from training for the IMMD-that-wasn't.  I wasn't going to run, because I'd taken enough hits (mentally & physically) this year.  I was going to run, because it was already paid for.  I wasn't going to run, because my coach didn't want me to.  I was going to run, because I'd rather do that than go to a soccer tournament with Elder Daughter.  (oops - that wasn't supposed to be part of the calculus)  I wasn't going to run, because it was going to be rainy.  One time, I had made my mind up to definitely not run - only to be talked back into it by Iron Sherpa.

So.  Ultimately I decided to run it.  But I would stop as soon as anything got painful.  As soon as my mind went to a dark place.  As soon as anything happened that would otherwise derail 2016 as being my year.  I promised Iron Sherpa.  I promised my coach.  And I promised myself.

It was a crappy day on Saturday as I drove the 3-ish hours to the OBX.  Rainy, windy.  I hate driving over long bridges, especially in the rain and wind.  I hate driving through tunnels.  So it was just not a good thing.  But I listened to TED talks and got pumped up.  (Yeah, I know - it's weird.)  When I pulled into the parking lot at the race expo...the sun came out.  It turned out to be a really nice afternoon.  I enjoyed the race expo -- I mean, who doesn't like shopping for running stuff.  (oops - well, I did buy IronSherpa some socks, so he can't be too upset that I shopped)  I took some pictures around town.  I went to a local restaurant and had a nice lunch and a craft beer.  And then I went to the grocery store, bought some breakfast and wine (not for breakfast) and bubbly water and checked into my hotel. And then I hunkered down - I watched college football, did some work, ordered pizza to eat with my wine, and watched crappy TV until I went to bed.  It was incredibly relaxing.

For reasons I can't fully explain, I slept terribly.  It happens.  And then Sunday morning I woke up and got ready for the race.  I will say, OBX SE  (Outer Banks Sporting Events) puts on a good show.  Everything went smoothly from beginning to end - more than I can say for most things I've done.  I relaxed at the start line - there was no pressure.  I had 7+ hours to finish.  I knew I was going to walk.  I knew I could stop if I had to.  This wasn't my A race or even a B race.  It was a long walk on a pretty fall Sunday morning.

I started the race with a very strict run-walk schedule 2:30/1:00.  And I did that for 8 miles and it worked awesome.  Even with stopping at a portapotty, I was holding about 12 minute miles.  Not fast, but perfectly acceptable given that it was a training walk. :)  When I hit mile 8, we were at the Wright Brothers National Memorial...and now I know why they picked that spot.  The wind was insane!  I was nearly blown sideways.  So I started walking without the run interval, and that was fine.  I was walking ~15-16 minutes/mile and kept that up through the half-marathon mark.  And that was challenging, since from about mile 10 to the halfway mark was a walk in the woods...some on a fire road, but a good portion on a path over an enormous sand dune.  (Whoever said OBX was flat except for the bridge at the end totally lied.  The hills through Jockey Ridge suck.)

After I got out of the woods...appropriately at the half mark, my knee felt a little tweaky.  But I had done the half mary in about 3 hours.  Not terrible.  Hell - I had a very bad standalone half-mary that took me more than 3 hours...but I'm not proud of that one.  Anyway - I was worried about the tweaky, but I also had 4+ hours to finish the second half.  So I knew I could walk it and be fine.  And I am tired of DNFs.  But that little tweak was a worrisome.

I called IronSherpa while I was walking - yes, I carried my phone, because I knew stopping was a possibility - and talked through the conundrum with him.  To stop or not to stop.  Well, I just kept walking past the med station at 13...but I slowed way down.  And then I slowed down even more.  And then I sat down and waited for the sweep wagon.  It took a while, but eventually it came by and I caught a ride to the finish line.

So, I didn't finish.  I went 8 good miles.  I am happy with 13 miles.  I did 2 miles beyond that that I maybe shouldn't have.  But I'm OK.  I'm actually happy - because I made the right decision.  Eyes on the prize...2016 will be my year.  I'm hoping for a sub-5 marathon at Tobacco Road in March. I will be happy with a PR (sub-5:12).  And I will be an Ironman at Louisville in October.  That's the finish line.  The finish line at OBX wasn't about crossing the timing mat at 26.2...it was about making a smart decision with the proper goals in mind.  That's my finish line...and I crossed it with my hands held high.

Anxiety Eating

Food is a lot of people's therapy - when we say comfort food, we really mean that.  It's releasing dopamine and serotonin in your brain that makes you feel good. -- Brett Hoebel

The only break I ever took was to eat.  That's all I did.  Work, and then quickly eat something.  It became my main pleasure, having access to my comfort food.  -- John Prescott

I will admit that I'm a little stressed and overwhelmed right now -- not about training and racing, because oddly that's at a pretty good place right now.  No, my to-do lists are too long, my time is too short, and anytime I knock off one or two tasks, three or more grow back in their place.  It's like the Hydra.  On steroids.

Anyway, in trying to get my work done, I'm always looking for somewhere that I can work without interruption.  Sometimes my office will do, but there always seems to be someone around.  Sometimes home -- but then I have to be sure not to get bogged down in housework, which is not on my to-do lists but always needs to be done.  Sometimes a coffee shop.  The real problem with most places is that they allow me to eat food, encourage me even to eat food that is probably not the best stuff.  Today, working from home, you would be surprised at how persuasive the kids' Halloween candy was.  Insane.

And I know it's because my mind is working so hard to focus on the task at hand that it doesn't have the energy left to make good choices on other fronts.  I've read the psychology stuff, I get it.  Other than working in a cave with no food (appealing, but no Internet) - I'm not sure how to solve this problem.  But I'll keep looking...

New Directions!

The good life is a process, not a state of being.  It is a direction not a destination. -- Carl Rogers

You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  You're on your own, and you know what you know.  And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. -- Dr. Seuss

IRONMAN LOUISVILLE 2016

It feels good to have a direction.  I feel a lot better knowing where the next year is going to take me.  I'm still working with IronSherpa and my coach to plan out the whole year, but I know that the culmination of 2016 is going to be back at Louisville, where the downward spiral started.  And I'm excited.  Rather than being nervous to return to the scene of the crime, I instead view it as an opportunity to fight back.  To slay the dragon.  To earn the IM that I was meant to have in 2014.  And that is honestly a good feeling.

I was hoping that IM Louisville was going to be an option for the IMMD discount.  And that it wouldn't sell out before then.  In talking with IronSherpa, we were looking at Louisville, Chattanooga, and Maryland -- all driveable.  And then Chattanooga sold out.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  On Friday morning, the email came in and the choice was easy.  I wanted to go back to Louisville and I get to.  And a wonderful peace has come over me.  Weird, huh?

To be sure, there will be ups, downs, highs, lows, and probably a few meltdowns along the way, but I can't imagine a better place to make my comeback.  Besides, who doesn't love "Call to Post"?

2016 will be my year.  Louisville will be my IM.  And the best is yet to come!

Wishin' and Hopin' and Thinkin' and Prayin'

A certain amount of impatience may be useful to stimulate and motivate us to action.  However, I believe that a lack of patience is a major cause of difficulties and unhappiness in the world today. -- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Patience has never been a virtue that I have had an excess amount of.  In fact, I have been blessed with much more impatience than patience.  And so it's really tough right now to wait to hear what IM races might be available for me next year.  It's made all the more aggravating when I hear what races all of the folks in town and in my tri club are doing...I want to be able to add my name to that list of people who know what their next year will be focused on.  I'm trying not to dwell, but it is testing all of my patience as I wait...wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and planin' and dreamin'...

I think my priorities, if we do an IM-branded race, would be first IMLOU (gotta get 'er done), IMChoo (although that's likely to fill up before we get the go-ahead to discount register), and then IMMD (although I'm not sure how excited I am about it...).  Otherwise, it will probably be B2B - which is cool, but a lot smaller.

No matter what, I'm waiting for the next leap forward - looking to have a great 2016.

(Look at me - a two song day!  Hopefully Billy Bragg will get Dusty Springfield out of your head.  ;) )

Congratulations, Iron Sherpa! (or the ups-and-downs of being an Iron Spouse)

Emotional roller coasters tend to emphasize the lows, tend to be more affected bythe low, by the dip in the emotional roller coaster than when you are at the peak. -- Rush Limbaugh

Congratulations to IronSherpa - he finished his first Ironman race and did a really awesome job.  I'm super proud of him.  That being said, I'm not so proud of me.  I've been on kind of a roller coaster this weekend, and the lows have won out on more occasions.



I wasn't planning on going to Maryland to watch Sherpa.  I wasn't.  I was going to stay home with the IronKids and stalk him on the Internet.  But then, halfway up to DC for a soccer game, I got it in my head that I could handle being at the race and cheering for IronSherpa in person.  And so we did the unthinkable (for me) - we spontaneously, with no equipment (save for the blankets we brought for soccer) and no plans, we left after the soccer game and went to IM MD.  We found the shuttle, figured out he was still on the bike course, and went out to spectate.  Unfortunately, the IM tracking website had a few issues, so we actually missed him coming in on the bike and leaving on the run...well, we didn't actually miss him - we were sitting RIGHT THERE and didn't see him.  I forgot what he was wearing and because the website was off, we didn't know when to expect him, so he rode right past us and we didn't notice.  Ooops.  But we were there.  And probably a good thing we didn't yell at him when he was on his bike, since he wasn't expecting us, at all, and that may have just made him crash.  So we'll call it a good thing.  But we were there.

We figured out finally he was on the run, so we went out to cheer for him there and actually caught him on the first of 3 loops (and then subsequent loops and the finish) so that was awesome.  He was surprised and we were excited to have surprised him.  We watched him finish, I cried, we got him warmed up (it was really freaking cold and windy), and then we went to the village to get him food.  And then I got sad.  I got sad because it wasn't me.  I got sad because I wanted to be an Ironman too.  And then I got mad, because -- despite every wonderful thing that I could say about IM Maryland and its organizers, especially with the reschedule -- the food situation for spectators was abysmal.  The restaurants in town were over-jammed and the "food truck" for purchasing food in IM village was a joke.  An absolute joke.  (Stay away from Two Chicks catering & food truck.  Dis.Ass.Ter.)  I was starving.  And cold.  And sad.  And that's just not a good combination for me.  So I was not the best IronWife I could have been...and I do feel bad about that.

Also, there's this whole "I'm not good at spontaneous" thing.  I had planned to be home on Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday, not in Maryland and/or driving home Sunday morning in time to make another IronKid soccer game.  I had my whole day planned out...and then I changed plans...but I forgot to get my head wrapped around it.  I'm not good with changing plans.  I'm not good with logistics.  And here I managed to screw up my own plans and do so with no thought to logistics.  Yeah me.  Again, not my best IronWife moment, because I then freaked out about all the un-done stuff at home, etc.

Anyway.  Point is.  I did something awesome and took IronKids to cheer for IronSherpa.  And then I was sad.  And mad.  And not a very pleasant person - because no matter how high the highs are on the emotional roller coaster -- and I was super high for IronSherpa's finish...the lows are worse.

And so now I'm back in the Death Valley of waiting...and waiting...and waiting.   Today we're supposed to hear something about what is available to folks who couldn't make the IMMD reschedule date - but I'm not sure, even at the end of today, if I'll know what lies ahead for me.  I know, listening to IronSherpa's story, that IMMD is not really the best option for me at this point..because the course plays to all of my weaknesses (no coasting, lots of wind, potential cold) and none of my strengths (I'm not sure what these even are, but I'm fairly certain a windy, cold, flat course isn't among them).  But who knows what the available options will be and when they will become available.  I'm ready to schedule for next year, but I have to wait for the details and it's kind of killing me.  I'm ready to be an Ironman - and I know I have to wait a year...and that's OK...I want to be in kick-ass shape and 40 pounds lighter, which is totally doable...but I need to have something to look forward to other than an e-mail at the end of today.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to ride IronSherpa's high.  He looks pretty awesome in his IM Finisher gear - even if the jacket is ugly this year.  :)

Watching and Waiting

When we make progress quickly, it feeds our emotions.  Then, when there's a period of waiting or we hit a plateau, we found out how committed we really are and whether we're going to see things through to the finish or quit. -- Joyce Meyer

I feel like I'm in limbo right now, between watching and waiting.  This weekend we went with the local tri club to watch Kona - interesting, but not even very inspiring this year...in part because I had to spend the whole evening explaining why IronSherpa was going to IMMD and I was not.  Honestly, people - I won't pretend I understand your back story because I know you don't know mine.  Yeah, I say I'm not going to IMMD-2 because of the girls but also, the couple of weeks before the IMMD-that-wasn't were very very hard for me.  Lots of stress/anxiety/depression/etc., because I was not feeling good about my training, not feeling confident in anything to be honest.  And I know another DNF would be worse for me than a DNS.  At this point, although subject to change, I don't even think I can go watch IronSherpa finish, because I can only imagine how hard it would be to stand at the finish line I was meant to be crossing.  Kona itself didn't really bother me, but all of my friends -- friends who were so understanding about how devastating the race postponement was -- bothered me, because I realized they don't understand me at all.  And a lot of that is my fault, because I keep my feelings to myself.

Well.  This past year has been hard.  There have been a lot of negatives -- the stress fracture DNF at IM Louisville, the long slow buildup that ended with a hypothermia DNF at the DC R&R marathon, the couple of weeks of the absolute mystery illness followed the hypothermia, another long slow buildup, and then a summer of workouts that just didn't always feel right.  Oh, and dropping a kitchen drawer on my foot and not being able to run.  Again.  In August.  The year appears to be a catalog of small disasters.  And all of them added up to one big mental disaster when it came to my "game face."  I thought I'd completely lost any mental toughness that I used to have.  (I don't even know if I have the mental toughness to be at IMMD to watch IronSherpa...which is why that's still up in the air...)

And then I "watched" as a number of my friends rocked IM Louisville on Sunday.  That inspired me.  I actually felt like I might be getting my groove back.  I wanted to be them.  And I know that I will be someday.  What will that someday be?  I don't know, because I have to wait until we hear whether I can do any of Ironman's discounted races next year.  Sometime next fall, I too will be an Ironman...but what date and what race is still up in the air.  The bummer is that it is hard to start to get a mental picture until I have an exact picture to visualize.  I'm kind of being a baby about it, because I should know in the next couple weeks but I know that once I do know, putting and keeping that picture in my head will be so much easier and make it more likely that I will be able to get my mojo back.

In the meantime (and even after), I've decided to put my focus on quick progress to feed my emotions.  I need to "suffer" some wins - some good workouts, some happy moments where I feel success...and so I'm starting over.  I ran 2 miles yesterday.  And it felt like a win.  (Well, kinda, because I'm still getting over a really vicious head cold that knocked me on my ass last week...but it was a win in my book.)  I want to gather up these wins, hold onto the happy, and start finding my mental toughness again with a platform of wins behind me.  Because I will be an Ironman sometime next fall...just wait & watch me!

A Week of Wallow

There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud. -- Carl Sandburg

I wrote about wasting time, which I suppose is a part of the great human journey.  We're supposed to wallow, to go through the desert without water for a long time so that when we finally drink it, we'll truly need it and we won't spill a drop.  It's about being present. -- Walton Goggins

A week has passed and I can't say that much has happened.  In fact, I have continued to wallow in my non-race misery...and managed to get one heck of a head cold as a result of being immuno-compromised due to training.  So I've had the opportunity to wallow on the couch and not do anything at all.  Which really sucks.  Or not - what is good about being confined to my couch for the last couple days is that I know that I don't want to stay there.  I want to go for a run.  I want to figure out what races are next.  I want to start from square one and get ready for a fantastic 2016.  There's no sense in looking at the rest of this year - I need to make exercise fun again, I need to lose some of my physical and mental baggage, and I need to get ready to rock 2016.

The Ironman That Wasn't

What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris?  What's the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood? -- Buddha

What is the appropriate behavior upon learning that the Ironman you had trained for all summer was cancelled?  The race that you wanted for redemption?  The race that had been eating at you for a month with fears that you couldn't do it, that your training hadn't been good enough, that you had too many mishaps and lapses of mojo?  The race that had encompassed your entire life for more months than you care to say -- causing you to slack off on the housework, your job, and loving on your kids?  What's the proper response?

I don't really have an answer for you - I'm still riding a roller coaster of emotions and none of them have won out yet.  IronSherpa and I drove up to Washington DC on Wednesday so I could speak at a conference; after I spoke on Thursday morning, we were to drive to Cambridge MD to check in for IM MD.  Today, Friday, would be bike check-in, and the race was to be tomorrow.  On the drive up to DC, IronSherpa and I were talking about the race and how we would feel if they cut the swim.  The forecast of severe rain and the possibility of Hurricane Joaquin made that possibility a real concern.  Cancelling the race maybe crossed our minds, but it wasn't a serious worry.

After checking our bikes into our DC hotel -- yeah, our bikes are that important to us -- we went to the conference.  Partway through the afternoon, my phone blew up and it felt like my world fell apart.  A good friend called me to see if I was OK, since she saw the race was off.  Another friend posted on Facebook how bad she felt for all IMMD racers due to the cancellation.  Not willing to rely on this, I went straight to the source...and after reading the official cancellation notice on the Ironman website, I fled from the conference...crying.

After gathering myself, IronSherpa and I went off to figure things out with a little more clarity.  There's a chance (we'll know early next week) that the race will be held on October 17 - but we don't have child care and I can't keep canceling class...I've already missed way too much between our practice trip and the race (plus my work conferences).  We talked through various ways we could try to handle it, but for me, the answer was pretty clear.  I can't do it.  I shouldn't do it.  I can't spend another two weeks in the mental place I spent the last two weeks.

We muddled through the rest of the conference - I'm kind of upset because I know I wasn't at my best for my presentation on Thursday morning...the level of distraction that I feel right now is very high.  And this is Friday afternoon, after a day and a half of wallowing.  Imagine how distracted I was on Thursday morning!

Anyway, we're back at home with the kids and the in-laws who were here to stay with them.  And I'm trying to figure out the proper response for the Ironman that wasn't (and avoid the crazy flooding that is here on the east coast).  I'm ready to get back to "normal" but first I have to get over it.  The responses from my friends have been great - even folks who haven't done Ironman races or even triathlons, which is pretty cool, because I know how hard it must be to imagine how it feels.  I have good friends.

Expect me to be around a lot more - I have more free time now.  Ha!  And also, I need to figure out the plans for going forward...and I look forward to sharing them.

Overwhelmed. Undertrained. And ready to get to the finish line with a little help.

I think faith is incredibly important because you will become overwhelmed with what's happening and you will have waves of grief, but when you turn to your faith, I believe God will give you waves of grace to get through it. -- Joel Osteen

It is 10 days until IM Maryland and I am feeling appropriately freaked out.  I know I am undertrained due to mishaps and occasional mental funks.  I know I am overwhelmed, but that's pretty much a normal state of mind for anyone going into an Ironman.  This year it feels more like a burden than last year, when the overwhelm was mingled with excitement.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but it's a different type of excitement.  An oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-throw-up kind of excitement, not a jump-up-and-down-in-a-giddy-manner type of excitement.

It's going to be OK.  I'm going to enjoy the day.  I'm going to look only as far as the minute and mile in front of me and ignore the big number of miles that lay ahead.  I'm going to smile.  I'm going to make friends.  I'm going to finish before midnight.  And it will all be OK.

I'm not usually very religious on my blog (or in person); I keep my faith and feelings under wraps.  Yeah, I know - you're not supposed to put your light under a bushel and all that, but I gotta say - right now, I am relying on my training -- as it has been -- and on God to get me through this.  It will take everything I have and more to finish this...and the more has to come from somewhere.  I am certain He will give me the power to dig deep and the grace to get through.

I probably won't say much until after the Ironman.  I'm not much for talking right now.  But I look forward to posting in early October with a medal around my neck, a finisher jacket on my body, and a tattoo on my leg.  Because I can do all things, with God who gives me strength...I don't have to be...strong enough.

The 5 Stages of IM

The five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- are a part of the framework...They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.  -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross  (with apologies for my edits that completely change her point)

It's not denial.  I'm just selective about the reality I accept. -- Bill Watterson

IM Maryland is coming.  Whether I'm ready or not.  And that fact alone brings on all sorts of feelings...denial (no way, I have plenty of time), anger (get away from me, I'm so freakin' irritated), bargaining (just let me get through this workout and I'll feel a little better), depression (there's no way I'm going to make it), and acceptance (it is coming, it will happen, I will be OK).

In so many ways, I feel a lot less ready than I felt for IM Louisville last year.  On the other hand, I've had some much better workouts than I had last year -- more long bikes, etc.  I should feel better, but I actually feel a lot more nervous than last year.  Maybe because this year has been pretty miserable -- starting with the DNF at Louisville, then the hypothermia incident in March, and as recently as dropping a drawer on my foot in August...there have been so many random things that have made me question my ability.  On the other hand, and on certain days, I know I can do it.  I can.  It's just really hard to select those days over the dark days where I feel that I can't.

Part of this inability to make the positive choice could be because I'm. SO. Flippin.  Tired.  But that's good - I should be happy because being tired means my training is coming together.  I get to rest when I taper.  But I think more so that my inability to make the positive choice about my success all the time is something deeper and darker...and I only have a few weeks to get over the darkness and be ready to make the positive choice on race day.  Because it will be a battle of mind over body, and I want my mind to win.

Long Day...

Sometimes it feels like my life is just one long day. -- John Mayer

Yesterday was my first "long day" of training.  I've had other long days, but there are two on my schedule that are LONG days of training.  Mini-IM days.  Unfortunately, I was going into this one hurt...my foot is still not quite right and I hadn't worn a real shoe on my right foot until yesterday.  But all in all, I should be pleased.  I learned some things and got a little bit of confidence - which is the whole point of this training.

The good news is that I'm feeling a lot better about my swim.  I swam about 3/4 of the IM distance, in a pool...talk about brain numbing..., in about 1:12.  This gives me 1:08 to swim the remaining 1/4.  Obviously it won't take me as long to swim 1/4 as it takes to swim 3/4, so that's awesome.  Of course, in the open water, I tend to be a little slower - but hopefully IM MD will be wetsuit legal, which helps a ton.  I'm feeling much better about my swim in any case, and that's a huge plus from yesterday.

The bad news is that my foot is still funky.  I was supposed to go 6-7 hours and get in around 100 miles on the bike.  But I hadn't ridden outside since I got hurt and I was worried about the stopping that you have to do when you ride outside with cars and stuff.  So I opted to ride inside.  I made it about 5:15.  And it was horrible.  Boring.  Tedious.  And of course, when you are bored, you can focus on how much everything sucks, like how much your foot hurts and how much you want a cheeseburger.  Seriously.  At about 4:30, I needed to go get some lunch meat because I was fairly certain I would die if I ate another sweet thing and I was super hungry.  So I learned I will need to put something in my special needs bag that is savory.  I had joked about it, but now I'm serious.  It will be so much better than a candy bar.  :)

And then the run.  Er.  Walk.  Well, I walked for over an hour.  And not a leisurely stroll, but it didn't feel great and I am kind of bummed about that.  I'm hoping to get a chance to try out running this week...it's a recovery week, which means I have a lighter load.  A little more time for my foot to heal.  Less than 7 weeks!

It Will Suck, But You Will Do It.

Take chances, make mistakes.  That's how you grow.  Pain nourishes your courage.  You have to fail in order to practice being brave. -- Mary Tyler Moore

Well, I'm not just scared - I'm flippin' terrified.  Because my training is going to hell.  I dropped a kitchen drawer on my foot on Friday (bone bruise, not broken), but it meant that this weekend was a wash and I still can't run.  I swam last night and I'm hoping I'm able to get my bike shoes on tonight.  This coming weekend is supposed to be one of two long training days...and I'm really anxious to do it - mostly for my peace of mind but also to work on my mental toughness, which is what I am most terrified about.

Even if I have to walk the run part of my long day.  Even if I have to do all of my bike ride inside because I'm nervous about stopping on my foot.  Even if the day sucks.  I will do it.  Because that's the best practice for IM MD of all - know it will suck.  And do it any way.  Because I'm going to do something really, really brave.

Backing Out, Stepping Up, and other Random Thoughts

If you just, pretty much, take a random 15-month-old, just sit and watch them for 10 minutes and count out how many experiments, how much thinking you see going on, and it will put the most brilliant scientist to shame. -- Allison Gopnik

So, it's been a long week since last post - and I don't have any coherent thoughts.  A 15-month-old would put me to shame with how much it thinks.  :)  (Actually, I just really thought that was a cool observation, so it has nothing to do with my thoughts, or lack thereof.)  See, here's the deal...I knew I was going to say random stuff, so I googled "random quotes" and then I read them until I found one I liked.  That's pretty much what I do every time I post, but usually the post and the quote have something to do with each other...

*  Backing Out - I sadly had another DNF this past weekend.  I was doing a hilly century ride as a training ride and I got terrible pain in my back.  So horrible that I was walking up every hill because it hurt too much to ride...and that was really bad because it was all hills, all the time.  I made it over half-way, but I had to get sagged in, and that was a bummer.  On the other hand, the race had some organizational issues that I avoided by not finishing...so, well, there is a small silver lining.

The bad part is that my back hurts because my hips and hammies are too tight.  And so I get loose and then they tighten up again.  I'm spending way too much time with a heating pad on my hips and back (and probably not enough time rolling and stretching, but I'm working on it...).

*  Stepping Up - I stepped into the role of Communications Coordinator for our triathlon club.  Not a glamorous job, but I'm excited because I've wanted to
become more involved...and now I am.  I posted the first monthly newsletter of my tenure as Coordinator this week.  I feel so accomplished!  :)

*  The 2-month to IM MD mark passed this week.  I'm stressed but confident.  That seems to be an appropriate level of anxiety, right?  I am having a hard time comparing last year's training to this year...for some reason I can't square whether I'm having a better training season or not - but I guess it really doesn't matter - it is what it is.

*  I need to eat more carbs.  I've been doing some research on endurance-training and racing nutrition and I don't think I've been fueling myself adequately for what I am doing...so I'm experimenting with adding some carbs in.  Oddly enough, it could be the magic that I need to drop a few pounds before MD.  (Oh, and I shouldn't drink as much wine, but what kind of fun would that be.)

Hangin' Tough

Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push.  A smile.  A world of optimism and hope.  A 'you can do it' when things are tough. -- Richard M. DeVos

QOTD:  Once you make the decision that you will not fail, the heart and body will follow.

Yeah, that topic of toughness is back.  Am I starting to sound like a broken record?  Maybe - but I am hoping that repetition leads to mastery.  Hey, if a bunch of teeny-bopper boys can hang tough, you know I can!

Anyway, there was a well-timed article sent out by Ironman this week about toughness - the article is here, but the three main points are these:

1. Breathe.
2. Positive self-talk.
3. Surround yourself with people who energize you.

Seems way too simple, right?  But then I realized that I encourage other people to do this ALL. THE. TIME.  Yeah, I'm one of those do-as-I-say,-not-as-I-do kind of people.  An example - a student came to my office absolutely freaking about a job interview she had the next day.  I had just finished reading an article on 4-7-8 breathing.  Don't ask, I read weird stuff sometimes.  So I told her to do it, before she had a panic attack on me (and certainly before she had a panic attack on her potential employer).  And then we talked about what she does well and how she can emphasize that in answering interview questions...which got her around to positive self-talk.  Finally, during exam season, I tell all of my students not to hang out with the kids that get all depressed and freaked out after every exam; instead, take the afternoon, go out and have some fun and get your energy back, and then get ready for the next exam.  Hanging out with the Negative Nancys will just drag you down and make it hard for you to be energized for the next test.  See?  I'm really really good at advising on how to be tough.  Just not so much on being tough.  Yet.

For right now, I'm just going to breathe...

Summer Time...and the livin' is easy...

Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer's day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented. -- G.K. Chesterton

August brings into sharp focus and a furious boil everything I've been listening to in the late spring and summer. -- Henry Rollins

This summer feels different than last summer - for about a hundred recognizable reasons, but still, it feels off.  Taking our vacation for most of June kind of set summer back a month - yeah, I know that vacation is part of summer, but it's different when you're not in the summer routine.  It doesn't feel like summer - and then you come back and get blasted in the face with the summer routine and it's like, bam - where is summer?

Also, last summer, as I was coming up on August, I was starting to think about the end of Ironman training...but now, August is just another big build month before the last push in early September.  It's hard to know how I feel because the timing feels off, and I haven't been unslothlike enough to go back and measure 10 weeks out from last year to compare it to this year's training.  Instead, it's more fun to just panic.  :)

QOTD:  You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

And work - summer is a love/hate time of year for professors.  On one hand, its great to be off schedule and working at your own pace.  On the other hand, the semester looms and you know if you're going to get anything at all done, it needs to happen in the summer.  This summer, since I did nothing in June and then did a little bit of travel and advocacy in July, I feel like I haven't gotten into my summer work mode, but damnit, there's only a few more weeks of summer left to get EVERYTHING done.  Yikes.

Anyway, August is coming.  And with it, some long rides and runs that will necessarily be followed by beer - 'cause that's why it was invented.  I just need to relax and work through the rest of summertime...while the livin's easy...

What the Hill?

It is easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is from the top. -- Arnold Bennett

Quote of the day:  To truly enjoy the downhill, you must conquer the uphill.

For the next couple days, I am in Beaver Creek, Colorado.  Elevation - 8100 feet.  I drove through some higher cities on my way from Denver, but coming from low-land Virginia, these are some mighty big hills.  :)  Like mountain-sized hills.

Just because I'm traveling from work doesn't mean I get to skip training - it's a dropback week, but that is still a lot of work when we're just over 2 months out from the Ironman.  I didn't bring my bike, but I'm lucky enough to be staying at a resort that has a fantastic fitness center with a lap-pool and spin-type trainer bikes.  So I'll get my bike and swim on there.  But the run.  The run.   The run.

There is a beautiful path that goes through the resort and down to the town below.  (Below...3-4 miles down.  Which naturally means that there will be a 3-4 mile run back up to get back to the hotel.)  Last year, I ran down and kind of walked up, but this year I have the goal of running down and back up again, no matter how slow I have to go, between the climb and the elevation.  The view up here is lovely.  I will enjoy and conquer the climb.

Why Haven't You Been Blogging?

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. -- Thomas Jefferson

A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.  It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results. -- Wade Boggs

This weekend, on a very long and very hot bike ride, my husband (IronSherpa) asked me why I am not really blogging any more.  My answer was "There are only so many ways to say 'I suck'."  I don't want to write about my whining and I'm sure you don't want to read about it.  But that's the real problem - I need to stop whining and stop thinking I suck.  I was in a much better place mentally last year when I was 2.5 months out from IM Louisville.  That said, I have 2.5 months to get myself in a good space for IM MD.  Ideally, it will happen sooner than later, because I need to have a good attitude for the training that is coming.  This week is a rest week...thank goodness, because I'm tired and I'm travelling.  But next week is huge and it only gets huger.  (More huge?  I don't know.)

A couple of things I'm trying to do is focus on some motivational quotes.  A friend of mine put up a link to a list of quotes to get you through triathlon training.  I've decided to cycle through them, one a day, for the next 2.5 months. Today's quote (QOTD):

A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot.

Well, IM MD certainly has the scare factor!  But I am also excited - not a lot right now, but I am excited and I will focus on that excitement, rather than the fear.

Another thing is that IronSherpa is doing his best to inspire me.  (Sometimes I feel like it is nagging, but I know he is doing this for me, and I do love him for it...but you know how sometimes the message is received based on the attitude you currently have?  Well, yeah.  That happens.)  He has sent me a couple of things to think about, and they are going to be part of my focus for the next 2.5 months also.  I'll put up the links now and talk about them later.

Gaining Mental Toughness by Michael Harlow
(He's the owner/head coach of the triathlon company that trains my younger daughter - and generally just an all-around awesome kind of guy.)

15 Habits of Mentally Tough People by Travis Bradberry
(from Entrepreneur Magazine)

I guess from these links you probably have figured out that I'm lacking a little in the mental toughness department (and probably in the physical toughness, too...but I need the mind to rule the matter).  This, I think, is the key to my success.

Anyway, the last thing I need to focus on is blogging.  I have been kind of sitting in a little black hole and ignoring that I am struggling with my training because of my pissy attitude.  It's time to snap out of it and get going...'cause when the going gets tough...

Food. Food. Food.

I think about food literally all day every day.  It's a thing. -- Taylor Swift

Food.  Food.  Food.  I have been sitting here this morning contemplating second breakfast.  I'm not a hobbit (although I may or may not have hairy toes).  But I am training for an Ironman and that training is getting serious.  However, I'm kind of stuck in a bit of a conundrum...(which by the way, is an excellent inexpensive white wine blend, but that's neither here nor there)...I want to always eat but I would also like to get a little bit of the cruise food weight off.  I know (and you know I know,  because I've whined about it before) that I would be a bit faster with a little less junk in the trunk.  But looking at tomorrow's forever long ride is making me hungry just thinking about it.

There is the benefit of summer that we've had a bunch of fresh fruit and veg around (although the veg I'm most likely to just pick up and eat are tomatoes, which are technically fruits, but neither here nor there).  I have a couple of thoughts on my eating and I have 84 days to experiment...so here's what I'm thinking:

1)  Keep up with the fresh fruits & veg.  And proteins are your friends.

2)  Don't shun carbs.  You need them to go 60+ miles on the bike or 10+ miles on the run.

3)  Figure out if you can partially dump the fake stuff on the long rides & runs.  To this end, I've gotten the Feed Zone & Feed Zone Portables books.  I'm going to try to make some real food snacks to see if they sit with me during training.  Now's the time to experiment after all.  I'll still stick with the Gatorade - need those electrolytes, especially in the heat & because I'll want to live at least mostly off the course.

4)  Beer tastes good in the summer, but stick with wine if at all possible.  Your waist will thank you.

5)  Don't deny treats...but don't feel like you have to compensate every hard workout, because you didn't earn THAT much junk!  Fast food after races only.  I mean it.

Let's see if these 5 guidelines (I don't like rules) will get me a little closer to the body I want to take to Maryland (and beyond).  I'm looking big picture here, folks...health, wellness, and being a good role model for the girls.  Feeding my family with healthy love, not junk.  And fueling my Ironman dream.

Tuesday - 7/7 - brick (1:30 ride, 2 mile run)
Wednesday - 7/8 - swim
Thursday - 7/9 - 11 mile run/walk

Welcome Back!

When the seasons shift, even the subtle beginning, the scent of a promised change, I feel something stir inside me.  Hopefulness?  Gratitude?  Openness?  Whatever it is, it's welcome.  -- Kristin Armstrong

Welcome back!  Yes, it's been a month since I posted...but it wasn't entirely due to my slackiness at blogging.  Summer started with a bang and a two-week Norwegian vacation...so it's only now that "summer" is really starting for me.  Which sucks, because I have a lot of training to do and less than 3 months to do it in!  Yikes!  Getting a wee-bit nervous about IM MD - but it's too early for that sort of break down.  But it's easy to get nervous when you take 2 weeks off training...sure, I walked and hiked, but I also ate like a madwoman.  And when we got back, there was a mountain of mail and laundry and other vacation fallout to deal with.  So today is really the start of "summer" - I feel hopeful and open and grateful that I have 3 months to get my pathetic self into Maryland shape.

Let's do this!

Monday - 7/6 - run 3 miles, swim

Race Report - Raleigh 70.3 5/31/15

I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes so live not in your yesterdays, not just for tomorrow, but in the here and how.  Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future. -- Carl Sandburg

Well.  Raleigh happened.  I did much worse than last year, far off my PR pace, and yet there is a streak of pride in me.  Mind you, it's not a big ol' wedge of pride, just a teensy streak.  But that's OK.

I am not proud of my performance.  I am proud I finished.  I had a terrible race day and I really wanted to quit for most of the run...and a lot of people probably would have.  Long story short - the heat got to me and I wasn't able to keep anything in me for the whole first lap.  What went in, came back out.  For the second lap, I was able to keep in water - but that meant I was on a 7-hour day without calories since the bike.  And that's hard.  I had to use my brain muscle to power through the day.

Regardless of what Carl Sandburg says, I think a little post-mortem may be useful:

Swim:
2014 - 50:09 (2:35/100)
2015 - 1:02:17 (3:14/100)

Well, 2014 was wetsuit legal, so that may have been part of the explanation.  Also, there was a lot of chop on the 2nd half of the swim that I had to fight with.  Finally, a lot of other participants noted that their swim times (not distances) were off also, so maybe it was just a tougher swim this year.  Still, I don't like being so close to the cut-off, particularly with Maryland in my future.

T1:

2014 - 5:13

2015 - 4:58

Not bad - about the same.  It's a long transition, but my bike was fairly close to bike out this year.  

Bike:

2014 - 3:35:11 (15.61 mph)

2015 - 3:39:24 (15.31 mph)

All in all I'm happy with the bike.  They changed the course this year and that added another good hill plus a 180-degree turnaround on a skinny country road, so the extra couple minutes are fully explicable.  I was able to manage bottle handoffs well, kept hydrated, and (unlike last year) managed to eat OK on the bike.

T2:

2014 - 3:52

2015 - 4:22

OK that this was a little slower.  I got sunscreened (unlike last year).  And coming out of T2, I actually felt really good.

Run:

2014 - 2:51:04 (13:04/mile)

2015 - 3:21:03 (15:21/mile)

The run was what killed me.  I felt good heading out, but as soon as I started taking water & nutrition, my stomach turned on me.  I walked the whole first lap.  By sticking only with water, I was able to run downhills on the 2nd lap.  But it sucked.  It was super-duper hot and I haven't had a chance to heat acclimate, because the weather has been so nice (or even cold) this spring.

Total:

2014 - 7:25:29

2015 - 8:12:04

I think that's all I want to say about the race right now; it's done, I made it, and it's time to go on vacation & then get ready for IM Maryland.

Feed Me, Seymour!

Now it is human nature to want to eat to one's fill when hungry, to want to warm up when cold, to want to rest when tired.  These all are part of people's emotional nature. -- Xun Zi

Last week, I was tired.  I wanted to rest.  I think it's because I did speed work (like, actually did it - and worked darn hard) on Monday and Tuesday, but it pretty much wiped me out the rest of the week.

This week, I am hungry.  I'm not sure if my body is realizing I'm starting to go into taper mode for Raleigh or if it's trying to make up some calories from last week's hard work or if I breathed a sigh of relief when one of my cute skirts fit loosely so I must not be as heavy as I thought I was.  No idea, but I am starving!

But it's weird, because I'm mostly hungry in the morning.  At night, especially if I've worked out in the afternoon, I'm actually not too hungry - possibly because it has felt like August the last couple days, instead of May.  Who wants to eat after they spent an hour or more out in the heat training and then another hour at a kid activity like a soccer game or bike practice?  Honestly, all I want to do is guzzle water and sit under the fan.  Not eat.  But when morning comes around again...you can't put enough food in front of me.  Grrrr.

The Fatigued Fool

Fatigue makes fools of us all.  It robs you of your skills and your judgment, and it blinds you to creative solutions.  It's the best-conditioned athlete, no the most talented, who generally wins when the going gets tough. -- Harvey Mackay

I am certainly not the best-conditioned athlete right now...more like the fatigued fool.  Ugh.  Soooo.  Tired.  I am trying to incorporate more speedwork into my training so that I can get faster...but it's killing me.  My legs for my long run this morning were like lead.  I got a good night's sleep, I ate a decent breakfast, I'm hydrated...and yet, I had a terrible run.  All I can figure is that it had to do with actually doing my speed workouts on Monday and Tuesday.  See...here's the thing.  I'm usually lazy about speed workouts.  If the plan says run 4 miles, including x of speed work, just run 4 miles and call it good.  But I've decided if I'm ever going to get faster, I should probably start following the plan and do the speedwork as written.  Well - that felt awesome to do my workouts as planned...but today I fell way short.  I just couldn't finish my long run because...tired.

I know that if I keep stressing my body this way, eventually I'll adapt.  But in the meantime. ugh.  I think I'll go take a nap now.

Hills. That is all.

After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. -- Nelson Mandela

Hills are speedwork in disguise. -- Frank Shorter

I am fairly certain that Nelson Mandela has not trained for the Raleigh 70.3 course, but he's kind of spot on.  There's hills, hills, and more hills.  And then there are some more hills.  And just when you watch says you're almost into T2 and you can get off your bike, there's another damn hill.  HILLS.

You know those silly word ladders that you do in elementary school where you change one letter of a word over and over to get from one word to a related word?  Like getting from WORDS to BOOKS?

WORDS->CORDS->CORKS->COOKS->BOOKS

Well, hills make it easy.  Watch:

HILL->HELL

Yep.  No intermediate step needed.  I hate hills.  Unfortunately, where we live, to bike anywhere interesting requires hills.  And since I'm racing Raleigh, that is probably a plus, not a minus.  Except I don't like them.  I do not like hills.  I do not like to go up.  I do not like to go down.  I do not like them, Sam I am.

I guess I need to tell myself that hills are speedwork in disguise, because my other problem is that my bike is pretty darn slow.  (Actually, in all fairness to my bikes - it is I who is slow, not them.)  Anyway, if riding hills will make me faster, maybe I should think about them in a more kindly light.

I didn't actually solve these myself, because I'm not in elementary school and I have better things to do, but check it out - you can get from HILL to FAST in either 4 steps or 7 steps.

HILL->PILL->PILE->PALE->PACE->FACE->FACT->FAST

HILL->HILT->HALT->HAST->FAST

I'll have to admit I'm partial to the longer ladder, because I don't really use words like HAST all that often, but hey, maybe that means hills can make you faster faster.  :)

You know you wanted a little Miley, right?  Because everyone sings "The Climb" when they're riding hills, right?  Right?

Race Report - RTC Sprint 2015

You don't burn out from going too fast.  You burn out from going too slow and getting bored. -- Cliff Burton

You can't be fat and fast, too; so lift, run, diet, and work. -- Hank Stram

Yesterday was my tri-club's annual sprint triathlon.  It is a 400-meter open water swim in a pool (trust me - sheer chaos), 12.75 mile bike, and 5K run.  It's a lot of fun, especially when you know a bunch of people and they're all yelling for you.  On the other hand, when it's cold, it really sucks.  And yesterday it was cold.  Somewhere in the 40s.  So basically you swim really hard for some 9 minutes (at least if you're me) and then you run soaking wet into the freezing weather and get on a bike where, ideally, you are going fast in the wind and getting colder and colder.  Doesn't that sound like fun to you?

I didn't have a great race - but I thought I did.  I had misremembered my times from years past so I thought I had a PR, but it turns out I was 7 minutes SLOWER than last year.  Some of that is in transition where I stopped to put on a jacket before the bike and took the jacket off before the run.  Here (thanks to Iron Sherpa's obsession with numbers) are my times for this course:

LEG	2013		2014		2015
Swim	11:41		9:37		9:31
T1	1:52		1:58		2:38
Bike	42:53		41:18		45:15
T2	2:00		1:48		2:00
Run	29:49		28:53		30:40
Total	1:28:13		1:23:32		1:30:09

Needless to say, I'm a little disappointed.  Clearly not all of my extra time can be blamed on bundling & unbundling in transition...I was slower on the bike and the run from previous years.  Some of that could be the cold too - I can tell you my feet got numb while I was riding.  But I think also that I have gotten a little too fat and I can't be fat and fast.  And so, back to the drawing board with eating.  I've done well before, losing a lot of weight and getting into "race shape."  That's what I need to do now.  But it's hard - I won't lie.  I like to eat.  I like food.  I like drinking beer and wine and going out.  But I also like to be fast.  And I need to remember that going forward this year.  Fat isn't fast.  But it does make for a good song...

Just Like Starting Over...

So it's like starting over again, but I look forward to the challenge. -- Lee Majors

Tri season is here.  Open water season is here.  And my anxiety is flaring up like you wouldn't believe.  Iron Sherpa is like - "Girl, you've done all of this before, why are you all nervous?"  And I'm like - "Ummm.  No idea but it feels all different than before."  And it does.  It's like this season I'm starting new from scratch, which is just goofy.

I'm certain part of my mental drama is that I have DNF for my last two A-races...not through any "fault" of my own.  I didn't cause the stress fracture or the hypothermia, but still, it makes the finish line feel really far away in my mind, no matter how long the race.

But tomorrow is my first tri of the season.  It's an open-water-type swim in a pool (no lane lines, buoys to round) and then a short bike and run.  And it's supposed to be damn cold - low 40s when I'm supposed to be running out of the pool and getting on my bike.  Hypothermia calling?  Anyone?  Anyone?  I'm trying to figure out how much to bundle so that it doesn't send me over the edge, because I still HATE being cold, this many weeks after the marathon.  Yeah, I guess I'm being a little whiny.

But classes are done for the semester and I'm getting ready to settle into writing and training mode, at least until vacation.  Then I'm going to have a great time before returning to writing and training mode.  :)  I am looking forward to a good productive summer for both.  Now if we could just get some summer weather, it would be a lot easier.  Y'know what I mean?  Where is spring this year?  It is either cold or unseasonably warm for a couple days.  And then cold again.

I'm going to rock my race tomorrow.  I'm going to swim well.  I'm going to bundle up in T1.  I'm going to bike hard.  I'm going to unbundle in T2.  And I'm going to run my little heart out.  Go me!

J is for Juggle

Like every mom, you try to juggle, but I also want people to know that you don't have to be a superhero.  I'm not a superhero; I have a team of people who help me.  I have a great family support system. -- Kimora Lee Simmons

There are lots of reasons for that gap between men's and women's wages but to me, the big one is the work-family issue.  Trying to juggle children and a job is tough under any circumstances, but especially if you're shooting for the kind of career that involves long hours at work and being on call 24-7. -- Gail Collins

Spring is the hardest season for me, I think.  The juggling that occurs just to make it through the week is extraordinary.  Elder daughter plays on 2 soccer teams (school and travel) which means 2x1.5 hours of practice most week nights, not to mention games during the week (school) and on the weekend (travel).  Younger daughter who does triathlon and volleyball is busier with the end of volleyball...meaning lots of games...and the beginning of tri season...most kid tris seem to be scheduled early season around here.  Then Iron Sherpa and I are also ramping up our training for our early season HIMs.  And this spring I've gotten some fantastic opportunities related to work that have involved travel - whether it be a day trip to DC or a couple days elsewhere.  Basically I feel lucky if everyone is where they are supposed to be, most of our clothes are clean, and there is something -- anything -- to eat in the house.  (And it's been a close call on that last one a few times.)

That being said, I'm also finishing up the semester, so there's a spurt of busyness, followed by summer - where I'm busy on my own schedule.  And also busy training (when not on vacation).

With the 50 Women to Kona discussions going on, there is a side conversation about other things that keep women from pursuing long course triathlon.  The point most frequently raised (at least in the corners I lurk) is that the juggle is too much.  And I get it.  Believe me.

I am not a superhero.  I don't do things perfectly.  I sometimes let balls drop (oops - was our car license plate supposed to be renewed 3 months ago?  and we're out of trash bags???)  But I am training for long course and I'm getting by.  So FWIW, here are some of the thoughts I have on why it works FOR ME.  Your mileage may vary.
1)  My husband is supportive.  Even before Iron Sherpa started doing triathlons, he understood the importance of my training and worked with me to make it happen.  Now that he's also going long course, he understands even more.
2)  My kids are a little older and used to pitching in.  Now, them being older cuts both ways.  Half of the time the crazy in our house is due to their scheduling overlaps.  But we can leave them alone for short periods.  They can walk to school if we need to get out early.  We know and trust the carpool parents and can switch off driving when necessary.  AND they can help.  They can help with the dishes, with dinner, getting themselves ready for events and the next day.  They're good kids who (generally) do their homework without any nagging.
3)  We are Team Osenga.  We support each other's activities - and that means going to each other's events (even when they're boring) and helping out around the house when other people are busy.  We try to eat together if possible, even if it means some crazy eat times or some fairly lame food.  Sometimes we combine our activities - Iron Sherpa or I will go for a run during one of the daughter's practices.  And all four of us ascribe to this idea of team.
4)  We have some luxuries that not everyone has.  I have an incredibly flexible schedule.  This lets me get some long workouts in during the week without completely ruining family time.  And this also lets me free up weekends for Iron Sherpa to get in some of his long workouts while I shuttle the girls, etc.  We have fantastic carpool friends on Elder's soccer team.  And this year we have hired a cleaning company to visit our house every other week.

This is how we juggle.  It's not easy and it's not for everyone.  But I'm proof it is not impossible.

If it quacks like a duck...

Time is generally the best doctor. -- Ovid

As any doctor can tell you, the most crucial step toward healing is having the right diagnosis.  If the disease is precisely identified, a good resolution is far more likely.  Conversely, a bad diagnosis usually means a bad outcome, no matter how skilled the physician. -- Andrew Weil

I will be honest.  I hate doctors.  I wanted to be a doctor, but I'm not -- and so I probably act out my frustration at my career redirection (after failing organic chemistry twice) on the whole medical profession.

But after nearly 3 weeks of not feeling myself after what is now known as "The Great Hypothermia Adventure," we decided it was time to seek some medical help.  I was cold, even in sunny San Diego.  I was tired, to the point of falling asleep while driving or in church or in my office.  I was sluggish when I was awake and I mostly just wanted to sleep.  And it wasn't depression rearing its ugly head -- been there, done that, and none of the other symptoms of depression were present.  I'm eating well, not craving sugar, and Iron Sherpa and I are planning spring marathons for next year.  No - this is not depression.  So what the hell was wrong with me?  Time to visit the doctor.

I went to my primary care this past Monday and told him my symptoms.  He pointed out that I've gained weight since I saw him 3 years ago. (Well, yeah - I'll admit, I've packed on some baggage after the stress fracture at Louisville, but I'm working on it now.)  And then he decided that my symptoms were either seasonal allergies or sleep apnea.  WTH?  Did he even listen to me?  All of the symptoms came on immediately post a stressful event.  I've never had seasonal allergies in my life, nor do I have any other allergy symptoms.  And sleep apnea?  Are you kidding me?  Most of the old men in my life travel with their handy, dandy little CPAP machines.  I, on the other hand, don't snore unless I have a cold and Iron Sherpa is such a light sleeper, he would be the first to diagnose sleep apnea.  He ordered a few basic blood tests, but I went home and decided my primary care doc is a quack.  And I kept trying to do my own research.

One of the reasons I went to the doc in the first place is because I couldn't find any information about how long it takes to recover from hypothermia.  Lots of information on acute care, but no information on long-term recovery (unless you die, then there's no recovery).  After the doctor gave me nothing to work with, I started instead researching symptoms rather than diagnoses.  Unfortunately the disease that seems to fit me best -- adrenal fatigue -- is also considered a disease of quackery.  So, which quack do I believe?

The good news is that I'm starting to feel a little better, but it's coming at the expense of the rest of my life.  Rest is the best cure, it seems, for what I have (pointing again to adrenal fatigue - that disease that doesn't exist).  I've mostly kept up with my training, but for a very strong fear of getting cold - so that's good.  8 weeks to Raleigh.  6 months to IM Maryland.  Quack!  Quack!  Quack!

Travelogue - San Diego (or how I got over hypothermia-malaise)

I love driving; driving along the California coastline is the best drive in the world. -- Al Jardine

OK, so I don't actually like to drive and the post here is not at all about driving...but running.   That whole hypothermia thing kind of knocked me on my butt.  I honestly slept for a week...and I assume it is simply because hypothermia is so hard on your body.  I searched the Googles, but nothing explains what happens after you warm up.  If my experience is anything typical, you sleep.  A lot.  And you are sleepy.  Very sleepy.  And it's not good.

But it's been nearly two weeks now, and I'm starting to feel like myself again.  I'm currently in San Diego on business and I went for a 6-mile run along the coast and it made everything all better.  I highly recommend that this might be the cure for hypothermia.  :)

Pictures later.

Recovery...to Raleigh...and Beyond...

I know that in life there will be sickness, devastation, disappointments, heartache -- it's a given.  What's not a given is the way you choose to get through it all.  If you look hard enough, you can always find the bright side. -- Rashida Jones

This week started with disappointment, devastation, and heartache after the marathon DNF and has turned into sickness and devastation.  All I want to do is get back on the training wagon and all my body wants to do is collapse in on itself.  I have some terrible cold or bronchitis or something...and I'm exhausted.  I tried to go for a little run on Tuesday - it was 80 degrees for goodness sake - but after about a mile I felt like I had asthma or COPD or something.  It was awful.  I had to just walk back to my car and even then I felt crappy.  I've slept in for 4 days.  I don't know.  It's getting very frustrating.

So what's the bright side?  Maybe this is the lull before the storm - the chance for my body to get into the place it needs to be in order to rock Raleigh and then IMMD.  Slowing down has also given me a chance to focus on my eating (I'm playing a weight loss contest at the YMCA to give me some accountability...more on this later).  Slowing down has let me realize that I have a lot of stuff around the house I need to prioritize before the crazy of IM training gets awesome this summer.  We'll call that the bright side.  Now it's time to recover and move on.  I am tired of laying on the couch.

So, It's Kind of a Funny Story...and What You Don't Know About Hypothermia Can Hurt You

Humans are pretty crafty, but will fold quickly in severe cold. -- Henry Rollins

The weather plays a very big role.  I have run very few races in the raining and the cold.  -- David Rudisha

So, it probably isn't really a funny story, but sometimes, after the fact, all you can really do is laugh about it.  Yesterday I did not finish (DNF) the DC Rock 'n' Roll Marathon due to hypothermia - I was pulled off the course by medical just shy of 14 miles.  Hypothermia is totally not a laughing matter, although I didn't realize how serious it was until I was talking with the EMTs (eventually, after getting rewarmed).  I mean, heck - I live in Virginia, I had been racing one of the hottest IM Louisville years - I know all the signs, symptoms, and preventative measures for HYPERthermia...but who the heck thought I'd get too cold?  How did this happen...

Well, it starts like all horror stories - it was a dark and stormy morning.  Temps in the low 40s.  Prior to race time, the rain went anywhere from none to fairly heavy.  And it was cold.  Cold rain, cold air.  I stayed warm until I checked my bag (no rain), but then it started to rain again before we had to get in our corrals.  For the first couple miles, it was just steady rain - nothing too heavy.  And then, after mile 4, pouring rain.  Then around mile 7, lighter.  Then around mile 10, heavy.  It didn't matter - after the first couple miles all of my layers of clothes were soaking - you could literally wring water out of my water-resistant rain jacket.  Not a good sign.

Anyway, I passed where the marathon peeled off from the half-marathon and with fewer humans around, it felt colder.  Or I felt colder.  I don't know.  But I knew I was starting to feel cold, so I stopped at the medical tent around mile 14 to see if they had any mylar blankets that I could wrap around my torso while I ran to warm up a little bit.  They told me they didn't have any, and they started asking me questions - what was I feeling?  Was I dizzy/having palpitations/confused/etc.?  They sat me down, wrapped me in a garbage bag (the closest thing they had to a mylar blanket), and started wrapping me in their jackets and hugging on me.  It was then I realized that I was uncontrollably shaking - could not stop shivering to save my life.  The EMTs told me I was going to be transported back to main medical, that I was done for the day, and that it was a good thing I stopped - this did not make any sense to me at the time.

For whatever reason, the transports from main medical were not very swift, so after a while, the EMTs begged a police officer to let me sit in the back of her cruiser to get warmer and try to stay dry.  Thankfully, she was a dear - so she let me (first time in the back of a cop car!).  But I couldn't stop shaking.  Eventually she had to turn her heat down because she was dying...but I was still cold.

Then after a bit, the last runner came by with the tailing sag wagon - and immediately, a truck came and took down the medical tent.  Not only was I stranded by the race, but so were the EMTs.  They asked the cop if they could sit in the cruiser too, and then I'm not sure exactly what happened, but the EMTs got very concerned and starting pulling off my clothes.  They decided at this point that I would never get warm if I was wet, so they wrapped me in a RnR Sports Med t-shirt and their jackets and scarves.  Then they took off my shoes and socks - blue feet!  OMG - my toes were blue - I saw them.  One of the EMTs took off her boots and socks and gave me her socks to wear.  Both of them were piling themselves on top of me.  At some point they called an ambulance...which also didn't hurry itself along.

The roads were starting to open up, so the cop we were with got called to another post - she didn't want to leave us, but she couldn't not go to her post (and they were ignoring her requests to transport us to main medical because of liability or something - I don't know - the EMTs were talking about it and I was confused).  Anyway, right before she pulled away, the medical shuttle from the race appeared and picked us up.  He starts to drive to main medical at the finish line and the EMTs radios are chattering with all kinds of field medical tents having the same issue - being stranded by the race after the last runner, having multiple patients needing transport and waiting 30-45 minutes for the shuttle, etc.  I warmed up a little bit, but then started shaking again, so the EMTs decide that I need to lose my leggings too.  Whoo whoo - me, wearing the EMT jackets tied around my waist like a makeshift skirt, another jacket of the EMT and their t-shirts, another person's socks, and a scarf tied around my head like a babushka.  Yeah.  I'm a sexy beast.

The shuttle driver did not know what he was doing, so we took the longest possible route to main medical, including having to make a loop twice because he was afraid to pull in where the cops were - on the 2nd loop, the EMT jumped out of the door and got the cops to let us through all the closed road.  Very exciting adventure.  Not.  I was getting warmer but was still very confused.

When we finally got to main medical, it was clear that they had not planned for hypothermia, despite the fact that the weather was forecast for the whole week.  They only had 2 heaters (with multiple cots piled around each) and no warm fluid to drink.  They put me on a cot, took off the clothes that the EMTs needed back (one just literally gave me a jacket off her back - she took the EMT coat but gave me her actual jacket), wrapped me in mylar blankets, got my bag from bag check (where I at least had a dry sweatshirt and socks) - and thank goodness, because I heard people were waiting in line for 45 minutes-2 hours to get their bags...I imagine my EMT (my EMT) pushed her way to the front, because they were both all kinds of awesome.  Anyway, main medical had no warm fluid, no dry paper clothes, etc.  They made me stay on the cot until I wasn't blue and seemed to be relatively stable - I actually got up myself because they brought in someone who looked worse than me and they were all out of cots.  Plus I decided that I earned my damn finisher jacket - I may never wear it, haven't decided yet, but I feel like I earned my dues - plus I wanted something else to put on.  I tried to buy dry pants/shorts/something from the merchandise tent, but they only had shirts and shot glasses....you have to admit - some of this is a little bit funny.  Me, being stripped in the back of the cop car (I kicked her gun once or twice when they were trying to warm up my feet).  The getting lost on the way to main medical (since I was mostly stable - if I wasn't, that wouldn't really be funny at all).

So that was my race day - I am fine - I don't think I ever had heart issues (at least that I realized) from it, but I learned that your heart rhythm can flip with hypothermia just like it can with hyperthermia.  Dang - that's scary.  I just thought I was cold.  I did some research to figure out what I could do different, but the answer is...not too much.  Most of this wasn't my fault - so that kind of sucks.  But here's what I know.

Hypothermia is more likely to happen if:

• You are super skinny or tall.  (I am neither - so not my problem)
• You are slow (because you are outside for longer than other racers...yeah, that's me - plus apparently when you're slow you don't work up as much body heat).
• It is cold, windy, rainy - any one of the three can cause it, but all three together makes it super special.  And I had all three.
• You are dehydrated or underfed.  I may have been both - because I was cold and wet, I may not have drunk enough at the aid stations.  Plus, I am not sure I was thinking clearly, so I may have screwed up my nutrition plan.  Not sure about that one.
• You are old, young, or feeble.  Nope, that's not me.

I also learned that shivering is better than not - because at least your body is trying to get back to regulated.  So that was a good sign - the blue skin/lips?  Not so much a good sign.  Confusion, withdrawn, crabbiness - bad signs...but who isn't crabby partway through a marathon?  Thankfully the EMTs are smarter than me.  And thankfully I stopped to ask for a blanket - a stupid request, but it gave someone else the opportunity to help me.

If you're going to be running in the cold/rain/wind - take a few minutes to learn about hypothermia.  I had no idea it was something I would ever be affected by...but now I know.  And so do you.